So the other day I was standing in Wyatt's room having one of those moments when I absolutely could not believe I am a mom. Maybe it's how unplanned he was, but there are days I look at him and wonder where this little alien boy came from and why he's in my house. Mostly it's in the evening when he's in bed and I'm not doing anything productive that I start having these feelings. When I finally have some time to sit alone in my own bed. The bed that I've had since 2002, the one that was frequently covered in books and papers while I was doing homework for my graduate classes, with the sheets and blankets I got myself as a Christmas gift one year. It's something that is very tangibly from my single days, Before Wyatt.
But I have massive amounts of reminders that I am for sure a mom now. They are all over my house, in my purse, between my sheets....
It's not uncommon for me to reach into my coat pocket or purse and pull out a bobo (pacifier). Also not unusual to find tiny socks amongst my blankets when I get into bed. I could vacuum my house twice a day and Wy would still be able to find a 3 day old piece of waffle to eat, I swear he hides food on purpose so he can go back for it later. The words "We don't throw toys!" come out of my mouth more times than I can count. I know all the words to the intro songs from Jack's Big Music Show, Yo Gabba Gabba, The Backyardigans and Word World, and most days I genuinely enjoy watching them (with the exception of Yo Gabba Gabba, I hate that show but Wy likes it so we watch it). Both of us trip over stray toys regularly and usually laugh about it.
Then there are things like hugs and kisses and smiles. I have this sunshiny little boy in my life now who loves me! He yells "Mama!" when he's ready to get out of bed. He's happy to pause his playing to come over for a kiss (most of the time). He smiles at me first thing in the morning, which is better than a cup of coffee for waking me up. I may say "stop that" or "put that down" a lot, but I say "I love you!" way more.
It may be hard to believe sometimes that I'm a mom, and I have had to give up a lot of things. Going for a run any time of the day or night for instance. Or being able to give in to that pancake craving I had the other night; in the past I would have been at Dennys before you could blink. But boy is it worth it. Picking Wyatt up from the babysitter is my absolute favorite part of the day. I have an absurd number of pictures of him at my desk at work, because I like to have him close during the day. And because I need those reminders. I need that random bobo appearance to help get me through the day sometimes.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Parenthood
I just finally got around to watching the latest episode of Parenthood. I remember loving the movie, the one from forever ago with Steve Martin in it, so I wasn't sure I would like the show. Shows that are expansions from great movies are sometimes so terrible. But to their credit, this adaptation has it's own soul, and I have loved it.
Well the last episode, like many before, made me tear up a little. So much in this show has touched me or really hit home now that I am a parent. There are just things everyone goes through when you are raising kids, things that are really hard! This time for me it was watching poor Crosby get told he was the meanest dad ever.
For those who don't know, the show revolves around one big family. 2 parents, 4 grown children, their spouses and children. Crosby is the youngest of the 4 kids and just met his son. At the beginning of the first season an ex shows up with a 5 year old boy. So we get to watch Crosby go through the growing pains of finding out he's a father and learning how to be a father all at the same time. It was painful to watch at times. But to the character (and writers) credit, he is learning fast and is usually a pretty good dad.
This particular episode his now fiance tells him he needs to stop trying to be his child's friend and be his parent. Which can be hard. I'm just starting to get to this point of parenting. There are starting to be times when I have to be hard on Wyatt and do things I know he is going to dislike because I know they are the right thing. Poor Crosby spent this whole episode trying to be the cool dad, which was pretty ineffective. So finally right at the end he stands his ground, cancels a trip to the zoo and has to experience his son saying "I hate you!" for the first time.
It's heartbreaking to know there is going to be a day when my sweet little boy looks me right in the eye and tells me he hates me and wishes I wasn't his mom. He's going to throw his toys and slam his door, he'll tell me he wants to go live with his dad or that he never wants to see me again. And I will just have to take it. It comes with the territory. He will get mad at me for trying to be the best mom I can be, for making hard decisions. But in the end I know he will understand. He will see as he gets older (and especially when he has kids of his own) that you do your best, you love your kids and hope you are doing the right thing.
I'm not looking forward to it, not even a little bit.
Well the last episode, like many before, made me tear up a little. So much in this show has touched me or really hit home now that I am a parent. There are just things everyone goes through when you are raising kids, things that are really hard! This time for me it was watching poor Crosby get told he was the meanest dad ever.
For those who don't know, the show revolves around one big family. 2 parents, 4 grown children, their spouses and children. Crosby is the youngest of the 4 kids and just met his son. At the beginning of the first season an ex shows up with a 5 year old boy. So we get to watch Crosby go through the growing pains of finding out he's a father and learning how to be a father all at the same time. It was painful to watch at times. But to the character (and writers) credit, he is learning fast and is usually a pretty good dad.
This particular episode his now fiance tells him he needs to stop trying to be his child's friend and be his parent. Which can be hard. I'm just starting to get to this point of parenting. There are starting to be times when I have to be hard on Wyatt and do things I know he is going to dislike because I know they are the right thing. Poor Crosby spent this whole episode trying to be the cool dad, which was pretty ineffective. So finally right at the end he stands his ground, cancels a trip to the zoo and has to experience his son saying "I hate you!" for the first time.
It's heartbreaking to know there is going to be a day when my sweet little boy looks me right in the eye and tells me he hates me and wishes I wasn't his mom. He's going to throw his toys and slam his door, he'll tell me he wants to go live with his dad or that he never wants to see me again. And I will just have to take it. It comes with the territory. He will get mad at me for trying to be the best mom I can be, for making hard decisions. But in the end I know he will understand. He will see as he gets older (and especially when he has kids of his own) that you do your best, you love your kids and hope you are doing the right thing.
I'm not looking forward to it, not even a little bit.