Christmas

*Sigh*

I love Christmas. But as much as I love this time of year, I am also always happy when it's over.

This was the first Christmas Wyatt was actually able to enjoy. Last year he was only 2 months old on Christmas so we didn't do much. The family got together as usual, everyone argued over who got to hold the baby...this year though! So different. This year I got to get up early with Wy, creep quietly down the stairs of my dads house and see what Santa left during the night!

Wyatt has really started to enjoy opening gifts, though he does have about a 3 gift limit, after that he's kind of over it and just wants to play. Thankfully I have a father and step-mother who understand that fact and were happy to give him a few things right away. He tore through the wrapping and then happily played his heart out.

Dinner at my aunt's was also very different this year. Harder for me. Everyone was so happy to play with Wy (awesome), but pretty much every single person there forgot that once a toddler is spun up there is no way he is going to sit still at a dinner table (read Mom doesn't get to eat dinner). Plus dinner was much later this year than it has been in the past. One of the downfalls of being the oldest cousin with a 7 year age gap, nobody cares that my 1 year old turns into the worlds biggest grump at around 6pm. Where as the other families in my family have older kids and everyone sleeps in on Christmas, I was up at the crack of 7am feeding and entertaining my child. By the time we left for home at 9pm, Wy was on the verge of a full on meltdown. And so was mommy.

I love Christmas, the snow, the gifts, the time with family. I could do without the massive schedule upset though! Here's hoping next year is a little easier.

10 Things this Momma is Thankful For

Yeah I know this is late, I can't help it. Honestly October and November were 2 of the busiest months of my life. Between 3 birthday parties (one of which was Wy's), a visit from the Florida grandparents, being sick (thanks pink eye), my office moving and Thanksgiving it felt like a complete whirlwind. But I still think it's important to take the time to be thankful! Plus Christine Coppas Thanksgiving blog (http://www.parenting.com/new/blogs/mamas-boy) made me feel guilty I hadn't taken the time to write one of my own, despite the fact that she gets paid for hers. :)

So here's my list!

1) Wyatt not being a new born this year! Last year was crazy, I was exhausted and still trying to figure out how to be a mom, let alone a mom on her own. I was thankful to have a fun independent little 1 year old this year! He was able to play and laugh and eat turkey, it was awesome.

2) FAMILY! I love my family, I love that they were so excited to spent time with me and Wy and spent the whole day gushing over him. We missed those who couldn't be with us and now I can't wait for Christmas when the crowd will hopefully be huge.

3) My job. I spend the majority of my day talking to people who are out of work or who are pretty unhappy with the jobs they have. I talk to people who are in bad situations because they made bad choices in the past. I'm so thankful I went to college and was able to find a job that lets me pay my bills, have an apartment of my own and even occasionally splurge a little on something fun.

4) Friends. I would be so lost without my friends who have become my family. Despite how busy and crazy the last couple months have been part of it was due to celebrating the birth of 4 of my favorite kids on the planet! My friends are my family and their kids are too.

5) New opportunities. Whether they be new friendships, new romances, new heartbreaks, I love experiencing new things and the doors they open.

6) Having someone to motivate me!! I've been talking a lot about how I need to work out and how I want to lose the last 20 baby weight pounds...but it's a lot of talk. I know that I have zero motivation to actually get anything done, I hate working out! I also hate dieting so we all know that's now gonna happen. Thankfully a girl at work wants to help! She is a member of Bally's and used to be a personal trainer. So after reminding me they have child care facilities she was able to talk me into looking into getting a membership and promised to work out with me and keep me motivated. If nothing else knowing she is expecting me to show up somewhere is going to get my ass out of bed, out of the apartment and into some sweats.

7) A good book. I finally finished one for the first time in a long time! That is one thing I miss from pre-mommy days, the possibility of grabbing a book and heading out the door with nothing in mind but finding the ideal spot to read for a few hours.

8) My awesome cell phone - not only does it entertain me but Wy loves it.

9) Hugging. My son gives the best hugs lately. He's all boy, but clearly loves his mommy! My favorite is when he stops playing just to come get some cuddles.

10) Mostly I'm thankful for all the great experiences I have had during my first year as a mom. It's been amazing and I really can't believe how fast it went.

Wy's Big Party

So the party has come and gone...I'm still recovering.

It was a great day.

I spent the previous night with my dad and his wife, who was wonderful enough to give me tons of feedback through the whole party planning process. We did all of those last second things like ordering balloons and grabbing the last of the food supplies then rested up for the main event.

All in all it was a pretty typical family get together. My family anyway. And by my family I mean not only my actual relatives who live close enough to drive to my dad's house, but also a few of my best friends and their kids, friends who are basically my sisters! A few were missing for one reason or another, but for the most part everyone important was in attendance.

Wyatt actually ended up sleeping through the beginning of the party. I thought I had planned his naps well enough that he would be up and fresh, but right before people were supposed to start showing up he started to crab. So he napped while people arrived and said their hellos. Which on one hand was great, once he woke up he was up for the afternoon, happy and smiling the whole time. On the other hand, he had no idea what the heck to do when he woke up and found 20 people at the house! Thankfully my very friendly son adjusted quickly and in no time was smiling laughing and playing.

Honestly I barely saw him most of the afternoon. It felt weird to not be the one making sure he ate and was happy. But it also felt wonderful to be able to talk with my friends and family! I put together a little gift bag scavenger hunt for the other kids, which they seemed to like. Nothing fancy, just collecting goodies from the other people at the party, who they knew to look for based on clues from me. Then they all played outside for a while, the sidewalk chalk was a big hit as were walks (with supervision) around the small pond next to the house.

For cake I did a cupcake cake, which I am so happy I did. It was so easy to just divvy up cupcakes instead of cutting a regular cake. It keeps the "his piece is bigger than mine!" to a minimum. The bonus was that Wyatt just got one cupcake for his first adventure into mass amounts of sugar. I have never understood why bakeries, and parents for that matter, insist babies have such a huge cake on their first birthday. I know that most places will provide a "smash cake" so your kid has their very own to demolish. But really? Do they need something that is bigger than a normal adult slice of cake?

I digress.

Wyatt loved his cupcake. He didn't do any of the tentative touch and smell and taste with the tip of his tongue. He smashed his hand right into it and promptly turned it upside down. I did break off a little bit of the cake part to feed to him just so he knew he could break it apart and eat the whole thing, but after that he was off and running on his own. He devoured every bit of it. There was some frosting left on the plate but I think that was only because he doesn't know how to lick the plate clean yet. He loved that thing.

We didn't open gifts while people were there. By the time we finished eating lunch, singing Happy Birthday, watching Wy eat his cake, and playing outside it was getting late and most everyone needed to get going. My brother and his girlfriend did stay so we could open their gift and I ended up opening everything else at that point too. He got a lot of clothes, some good toys and a toddler basketball hoop! Gram and Poppa got him a little Lego table and Uncle Chris of course picked out some nice chunky starter Legos.

Wyatt crashed pretty early that night, but seemed to have a great day. I'm so proud of how friendly, happy and well behaved my son is. He is just a joy to everyone who meets him. He's just a wonderful little boy!

I'm still having trouble believing he will turn one tomorrow! I could swear he was just born yesterday, not 364 yesterdays ago. So tomorrow at 9:54am I will hug him just like I did a year ago. And I will probably look at him and think again, whose fantastic and beautiful little boy is this?!

The Invites are in the Mail!

That's right, I put them in the mailbox at work today.

Wy's birthday is in 3 weeks!!!

Auntie Jami did a great job creating cute little cards to send...I figure it's worth the money to have some extras and not have to hand write each invite, who has time for that? It was a struggle just to get them all addressed this past week. But the job is done.

Now it's a waiting game till I can do more shopping for the party. I want to get some fun stuff for the kids who will be there, but I don't want to do it till I have a better idea of how many kids will actually be there.

I also have to finish planning the food. That is one thing I am really excited about, we are doing fun fall comfort foods since it's mostly going to be family and I'm sure at some point the party will devolve into everyone watching whatever football game is on that Sunday.

In fact I just checked the NFL schedule and both the Bears and the Packers are playing that day. This means the Bears fans are going to want to have the TV on in the afternoon (heads up, I'm not allowing it, the party is only 3 hours long, DVR the game if you need to see it that bad) and the Packers fans will want to leave early (to get home for the game) or stay late (to watch the game on my dad's nice HD tv). Typical family gathering!

I'm just excited to celebrate my favorite little mishap and the fact that he is here at all. I'm so thankful for him and really can't imagine life any other way. It feels like that is what most of my blogs come back to, but it's so true.

Though after attending the Wright kids party, I don't know if I am ready for the craziness that comes with kids birthday parties. It was chaos! But it was also a party for 3 kids and they have a big family. Hopefully we can keep the chaos to a minimum at Wy's party.

Yeah right.

Numbers 3 & 4

I posted that last blog too soon. Seriously, the day after I posted it I caught a glimpse of teeth 3 & 4.

Thank goodness my child won't look like a hillbilly for his pictures but a normal 1 year old with his 4 front teeth.

Downside of having 3 teeth coming in at the same time is that we are finally experiencing some of those normal teething symptoms. Yesterday he was a seriously crabby baby. He was whining or crying pretty much all day. At least he was also sleeping a lot. He was pulling his ears, chewing on everything (including the leg of the couch) and wanting lots of attention.

I'm so spoiled, any crabby day throws me off! I'm thankful my kid is so easy going, but it has not prepared me for the days when he's not in a good mood.

I am excited about the teeth though! Despite it meaning he really is getting bigger and is now officially no longer a baby. He is still wonderful!

#2

As in tooth #2, not poop. :)

It's true, at 11 months old Wyatt is finally getting his second tooth. In this department he is a little behind. Everyone was saying that since #1 came so late the others would be right behind and would come in quick. Not so much.

It has taken a full week for that sucker to finally pop through. Last week I started to notice a little bump and then a little bit of white poking through, but couldn't feel anything when I ran my finger along his gums.

Then today, I saw a corner! Overnight it seems this little tooth has decided to show up full force.

Now the fact that it took so long for this second tooth to show up is not the entire reason for this post...the bigger reason is the location of this particular tooth.

Again, everybody says teeth come in twos. Obviously not with my kid. Everybody says the bottom TWO will be the first to show up. Not with my kid. Instead his bottom left tooth came in first and now his TOP LEFT tooth is coming in.

My child is going to look like a hillbilly.

And just in time for his one year pictures.

Can you see me shaking my head?

And teeth are totally changing how his smile looks! I like his toothless old man smile, it's cute! With teeth, he's really starting to look like a little boy. The big boy clothes, almost walking, and full head of hair doesn't help either. I do miss the teeny baby days, but man is he fun as a toddler!

Have I mentioned he gives the best hugs? No, well I'm just going to have a write another post on another day all about that.

New Stuff

Ok, I know I haven't been posting enough, but really after work and time with Wy I feel like I don't have 2 seconds for myself lately!

But there have been some big and exciting developments lately!!

One, I ordered the invites for Wy's 1st birthday party. It's so crazy to me that my baby is turning one! this year went by so fast. I can't wait though to have a party, watch him eat cake, and help me open gifts. We are having a little party with friends and close family at my dad's house. Simple BBQ food and a few little games and projects for the other older kiddos.

Two, Wyatt is close to walking!! AH! He has been pulling himself up on furniture and scooting around holding on to things for a couple months now. But this week he has been making big strides towards walking on his own. The other night I was sitting on the floor while he was playing like I usually do. While sitting responding to a text I had received I realized he was standing next to me. Not unusual since he is always using me to pull himself up when I am sitting on the floor. Then I realized I hadn't felt his hand on my shoulder for support in getting from the floor to his feet. And then I realized he wasn't holding on to me at all! He was standing next to me with no help happily watching me type a text message. Until I freaked out and accidentally bumped him enough to knock him over. He did it though! All on his own he stood up and was standing next to me with no help.

Wy also has discovered that he can push his truck/walker across the room. It's so much fun to watch him almost run across the living room to bang his truck against the wall...seems like all the noise is the best motivation to bother walking at all. :) So it seems like any day now he's just going to walk off without thinking about what he's doing. Ugh, he's such a big boy!

He does all kinds of goofy stuff now, he dances (bobs more like), he pretends to talk on the phone, he sings himself to sleep...

By the way, something very cute: listening to Wy sings himself back to sleep in the middle of the night; something not cute at all: listening to Wy scream bloody murder in the middle of the night because he doesn't want to drink milk he wants to drink formula. Very annoying.

He is such a joy to me though, even when he's making me crazy. I got a ton of pictures printed from shutterfly recently and brought a handful of them to work so I can have him all over my cube. It makes me happy to see his smiling little face!

Lots to look forward to in the coming months; first steps, first words, first birthday party, first visit with his grandparents from Florida (more on that later)...so much is going on all the time.

Honestly the only thing I am sad about or regret is that I am not able to be home with him full time while he is going through all this. I always thought I would be able to be a stay at home mom for the first couple years with each of my kids. The best I can do at this point is enjoy every second I have with him and hope that someday I get to watch more of the process with my future kids!

TaDa!

Today I hung a shelf in the bathroom and put some vinyl wall art up in my room...

Yes, it's absolutely taking forever for me to get things up and in order here. We have lived in this apartment since March and I'm still working on getting the place set up. It's been really hard to get motivated to tackle these projects after working all week and having Wyatt to chase after any time I'm actually home.

But I'm hoping to be here in this apartment at least another year so I'm not worried that it's taking so long to get things looking the way I want them to. I finally got new bookshelves last month and the difference is amazing. They look so much better!! I've also been making sure to print pictures and actually frame and hang them more often so there's lots to look at on the walls now.

The biggest challenge at this point is going to be keeping Wy's toys in check and weeding through and throwing out things I don't need or want. I have a good handle on Wy's toys at the moment, while I was shopping for bookshelves at IKEA I got him a toybox to keep in the living room, makes cleaning up so easy cause i can just throw everything in the box and put the lid on...InstaClean!! Motivating myself to look through a bunch of stuff I really don't care much about is a whole other thing. I have all these boxes of stuff I haven't looked at in forever. It's such a hassle to sort through things and find places for the things I keep and haul out the junk I don't want.

I'm going to push through though, I want this to be a nice place for me and Wy. And I want to simplify my life. I don't need to be carrying all this junk around any more. It's time for a new start.

Games

Today was a great day!

Since it was a day off, Wy and I were able to get some shopping done and spend a lot of time playing today.

His little tooth (and probably a bunch that haven't made appearances yet) is still giving him some pain, but honestly it's been a pretty easy thing so far. I have noticed he's been more tired than before and in general a bit crabby, but that could also be him just starting to voice his opinions more. :)

I am so impressed with him every single day lately. He is starting to do a lot more mimicking so playing is getting more fun. He thinks it's funny when you click your tongue back at him when he does it. He started to play with shape sorting toys while he was visiting the grands (as Gramma Lori has dubbed she and my dad). He loves trying to chase after the dogs and cat over there too.

I also discovered how much he likes to be chased now! Just last week he was tearing around the apartment and I started to follow him so he wouldn't get into anything icky (like the litter box). Once he realized I was behind him he would laugh, crawl away real fast then stop and look back to make sure I was still following him. It's so funny.

Today we spent a lot of time wrestling, which pretty much just means rolling around on the floor. It's so great to hear him laughing out of control when he tackles me. He was also laughing at my impressions of animals while we read Moo, Ba, La La La. I swear he was trying to make some of the noises too.

Which reminds me that I think he's been starting to sing along to things! Sometimes you'll just hear him making noise that isn't his normal grunty noises or him laughing or trying out words and it only happens when music is on. He has this little nursery rhyme music player from the grands that he plays with all the time now; he turns it on and then holds it up to his ear and sings along (kind of). He also has a nursery rhyme singing book thing from his Grandma Rebecca that he is starting to sing along with. He had to master turning the pages first though. :)

Seriously my kid seems really smart. And yes, I know every parent says that. Which is why I added "seems" to the sentence.

More than anything I am just really in love and proud of my son. He is growing so fast! And he's more amazing every day.

Seriously being a mom is the best job ever.

Teeth!

Wyatt's first tooth is finally coming in!

Gosh did that take forever.

My sitter was telling me the other day about a 6month old she watches who already has like 4 teeth. And my 9 month old little boy is just now barely getting his first.

He's a late bloomer evidently.

It is good to finally have an idea of how he is going to be for teething though. He's been a little more wound up and easily irritated the last couple weeks, but nothing terrible. For sure it's not going to cause me to have crying fits out of frustration while he's sleeping. I might get weepy due to lack of sleep though. He has been sleeping terribly. But normal sleep training seems to be working so I'm not worried about it.

I can't wait till it gets all the way through and I can take pictures of him with just one little bottom tooth showing in his smile. Too cute!

The one big teething symptom he has been getting is a seriously runny nose. Like the kind of runny nose where he always has snot running between his nostrils and his upper lip. With all the nose wiping to try and prevent him from getting boogers everywhere his little face is getting a little chapped and raw. Wy didn't like getting his nose wiped to begin with but now he really hates it.

Poor kid. His gums hurt, he's got a little fever some days, and now his face is all raw from nose wiping.

But he'll survive, we all did.

I can't wait to take pictures!

What the F*$& do I Call This Phase??

Wyatt is still sleeping terribly. He spent half the night in my bed, I banished him back to his own at 4am after having to get up and make him a bottle.

He has also been very whiny and clingy. Yesterday we grabbed some groceries after I picked him up from the sitter and once we got home he was crying and following me around, but didn't want to be held. So finally I just sat at the computer to try and catch up on some emails (I haven't looked at my email almost at all so far this week). Wy crawled over, pulled himself up on my chair and just stood there holding onto my leg for a good 10 minutes or so. But hey if that's what keeps him happy I'm good with that. He seems to want to be close to me all the time, but rarely wants to sit with me or be held.

I have no idea what the heck is up with him, this is a weird phase and I feel terrible that I don't know how to make him happier. I try to be patient, but I can't sit on the floor with him every second of the day. Though I really wish I could.

So we will see how he does tonight.

I'm crossing my fingers that he sleeps.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Exhaustion

Why oh why will my child not sleep!! The last few nights he has been acting totally crazy. He's up 3-4 times a night and it's not just fussy wake up, cry a little, roll over, go back to sleep. It's full on standing in the crib screaming and crying till I walk in just cause I know his face is covered in snot. For the first time in a long time, he has spent 2 nights in a row in my bed. He's been so good about sleeping on his own lately. Sometimes he will lay in bed with me for his last bottle but until this week he had been sleeping better on his own in his room.

I hate to say it, but I am really looking forward to next Friday when he will be staying over night with the grandparents since the sitter will be out of town with her own kids. If this keeps up till then I will really need the sleep.

Yo Gabba Gabba

I am dying to know who came up with acid trip of a show. The sitter last week was asking me what Wyatt likes to watch because she's noticed he's really not that interested in TV most of the time...except when Yo Gabba Gabba comes on. My eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling. Honestly I have been avoiding that show because the snippets of it I had seen before I even got pregnant freaked me out. But if Wy likes it, we DVR it.

Anne wasn't kidding. That show comes on and he hears the beginning of the music, he's glued to the screen. No matter where he is or what he is doing, he stops and watches. Seriously I feel like I'm on crack when I watch this show! It's total puppet insanity. There's a crazy guy wearing neon orange spandex and a furry hat, the most descriptive thing the theme song has to say about one of the characters is that he's the little green one, and the songs they sing are weird but get stuck in my head anyway.

I don't know if I am going to survive this phase.

It was adorable though this morning watching him sit and eat mini-pancakes and bob up and down to the music. He really does like it. He laughs and claps....so I guess I have to just suck it up and get my morning does of crack with my breakfast from now on.

Celebration/Hard Times

In case you missed it from the title of this entry, I'm dealing with some conflicting feelings right now. First the good stuff though!

One of my very best friends found out last week that she is pregnant with her 4th child! It's so exciting. She and her husband have been trying for a while now and she's been thinking about having another for at least the last year, if not longer than that. So it was VERY exciting to get the text from her saying the test was positive!!! I literally screamed and dropped my phone. It's been so fun to talk about names and if it will be a boy or girl. We have already decided that if they have another girl she and Wyatt can look forward to an arranged marriage.

We also celebrated that same friends 30th birthday last night. It was great to have a night out. Wy stayed at the sitter's over night and I stayed with another friend in the city so I didn't have to drive home so late at night.

But I realized something huge last night. As much fun as it was going out and being with friends, I have never been happier to get home to Wyatt this morning. I have never been happier than I am as a mom and right now, especially since he's so little, I'm going to enjoy every second I have with my son. Even on very little sleep and feeling yucky because of the 3 beers I drank (yeah that sounds weird to me too) I was thrilled to see Wyatt. We spent the whole rest of the day playing and having fun together, it was awesome.

I do feel better knowing that I really don't miss that life style of going out all the time. I sometimes do think about how different things would be if he weren't here. I do miss some parts of life before him. But for the most part, this life is so much better than the other one could ever be.

Oh how I wish that was the end of things, that giving up my old life was the hardest thing I was going through.

I spent this evening watching TV and filling out custody papers. I finally am making the time to get this done. It needs to be done before Wy's birthday and there is just not going to be a good time to do it. The whole process makes me sad though. I hate thinking about lawyers and going to court. I hate having to file papers so I can be the legal sole decision maker for my child. It's really not something I ever thought I would be doing.

It's started at least. That's the biggest part I think, making myself do it. I have a couple friends who are helping me out and I know I have the support of everyone who knows me and Wy. I am doing the right thing, I have no doubts about that.

Doesn't make it suck any less though.

Happy Birthday Malcolm!

My friend Stephanie gave birth to a little boy very early this morning!

And it got me thinking again about when Wyatt was first born. Not like it's hard to get me thinking about that lately, what with his 1st birthday coming up in a couple months.

I have been thinking about how awesome it is to see a baby for the first time and know that you just made a person. How crazy is it that a new person who didn't exist a year prior is now here, breathing with a beating heart and their own personality already. I remember thinking about that a lot while I was in the hospital after Wy's birth.

Now I have this crawling playing little tornado to go home to every night! All these amazing kids who are part of my life were made by me and my friends. It gets me on a crazy meaning of life kind of thought process. But it really is amazing.

Seeing Malcolm's sweet little newborn face reminds me of that, reminds me that I was like that too once. What an insane and amazing journey life is.

Happy Birthday Malcolm!

Breakfast

Wyatt is trying pancakes for breakfast this morning at the sitters....guess I'm going to have to start cooking again to live up to that on our late days and days off!

Though it is kind of exciting that he is able to try real foods now. We will have to see when he finally gives in to drinking something other than formula, so far the kid won't touch juice or water and refuses to try a sippy cup.

My baby is getting to be a big boy.

Big Boy

My kid has personality to spare lately. And it's cracking me up.

Wy was sick a few days ago, just a summer cold I think, nothing big, but he was feeling icky enough to sleep with me for a couple nights. The night I knew he was feeling better was when he woke up to eat at 2am. This is not rare, he seems to be doing it a lot lately. But this particular night I was clearly not moving fast enough for him. I was laying on my side and he was irritated enough to sit up, while he was still mostly asleep, and cry louder in an effort to rouse me. When I still wasn't moving at a pace he deemed fast enough, he balled up his little fists and hit me right on the side. I was so shocked I jumped out of bed and went to make him a bottle. Lucky for him we haven't had the no hitting talk just yet.

Yesterday was the first day of my new 5 day a week work schedule. I dropped him off at the sitter's at 7:15am and was back at her house by 5:05pm to pick him up. I walked in and called hello just like always and saw him come crawling around the corner at the sound of my voice. That's really the first time I've seen him react to me showing up, normally he's in his pj's waiting with the sitter by the door for me to show up. So it was fun to see he was excited to see me! I scooped him up and was chatting with the sitter about his eating habits (which have been changing a lot the last few weeks) and he got fed up and was squirming trying to get me to put him down so he could go back off and play with the girls. Also a first. Finally we left the sitter's and for the first time Wyatt nearly threw a fit while I was putting him in his car seat! Obviously he was having fun and just didn't want to go home.

He is growing up so fast, it makes my head spin. Every day he looks more like a little boy and much less like a baby. He's exploring everything, finding new and interesting ways to get to areas of the apartment he's not normally allowed in. He went to his very first arena football game this past Saturday, which was interesting. He loved parts of it, but was really put on edge by all the noise. Upside, he loved spending time with Gramma and Grandpa! He spent the game crawling between our laps giving hugs and playing.

This morning while he was supposed to be taking a little nap, he was sitting in his crib talking to his animals. And I think sometimes he sings along with the songs on his TV shows...either that or he's yelling at them. :) It's hard to tell.

I'm so impressed with him every day. It feels like he is doing something new every time I look at him. But I love every second of it.

Bath Times

Last night was an interesting evening...

Wyatt has started eating those little Gerber snacks that are hand holding size. He's had some problems getting the puffies in his mouth on his own cause he picks them up in his fist and can't quite figure out how to move the puffy from his little fingers to his gaping mouth. But thankfully Gerber makes these wheel shaped snacks that he can hold and chew on and he loves them. He also makes a huge mess with them since he just gums them to death instead of putting them in his mouth and chewing. This results in yucky mush getting spread all over the house and mostly all over Wyatt. His onesie was trashed by the end of the day from snacking and after he ate his dinner he was also covered in food. He really likes putting his hands in his food right now; and he can't resist then putting said hands on his head.

Since we clearly needed a bath anyway, I figured it would be a good time to try having him in the big tub instead of his little tub. Over all it was a success! He loved the running water out of the tap, he kept crawling over to stick his hand under it. And for a little while he was kind of crawling in circles, I'm guessing just because of the novelty of being able to crawl at all while in the bath. It was also because his toys now had the room to bob around like crazy. It was hilarious to watch him chasing them. It was actually easier to scrub him down when he wasn't all crammed in that little tub.

As always though to every new exciting thing there is a downside. Now that Wy is free of that tub, he won't sit still or even sit down most the time! Plus he now has access to a lot more water to try and fling around the bathroom. It was almost like I had taken a bath too!

It was after the bath though that things started to get hairy. He for some reason was not thrilled with having to dry off and get dressed. He for a while was just crawling around his room stark naked as I got a diaper jammies and lotion for the post bath routine. Once I had everything together it was a struggle just to get him wrapped in the towel to finish drying him off. When it was time to get a diaper on him you would have thought I was torturing him! He was screaming and trying to roll away every 4 seconds. I had to physically hold him down and put his diaper on with one hand pretty much. Trying to get some lotion and his pajamas on him was a total disaster. At one point I used my very stern/harsh voice and told him to stop, at which point he looked at me like I had just slapped him and started to cry harder. I think the words over dramatic and over tired would fit nicely here.

Finally I had a very upset but dressed little boy on my lap drinking a bottle. He was crashed out by about 7pm.

I'm still trying to get used to the fact that Wy now cries like he's hurting when he doesn't get his way. He gets so upset when I tell him not to do something or make him sit still to eat or get dressed when he doesn't feel like it. I honestly have moments of feeling like a really terrible mom, but I know it's nothing, The boy needs to have clothes on and needs to not play with things that could hurt him. So what if he screams a little. Most of the time just picking him up and hugging him, singing a song, or giving him another toy is plenty to stop the tears and get some smiles.

Let's hope the next bath can take place with a little less drama.

Boys are Always Men

I'm going to state already that this post is probably going to be way too much information for most people, and I would really suggest if you don't want to hear about the weird slightly icky things that come with raising a boy, quit reading right now. RIGHT NOW.


Now I am aware that people say boys are men right from the beginning. And I have found that to be pretty accurate. Wyatt used to fart so loud you could hear it across the room. He still thinks that all boobs belong to him. But I am discovering this goes for other boy parts too.

Today was the...3rd (?) day this week that when I went to change my sweet little boy first thing in the morning I was greeted by a little baby erection. The first time it happened a few months ago I was so thankful my best friend had mentioned it when her son was a baby so I wasn't totally freaked out by it. Cause before she told me it happened, I had no idea it happened when they were that little.

It's strange for me to have to be dealing with boy parts in the first place! Clearly I didn't on a day to day basis before Wy was born. Now I have to wonder about how he's going to learn to pee standing up when he gets older and what the heck I'm going to do about the sex talk. I don't remember a lot about the sex talk I got when I was younger but I know for a fact that it didn't include anything about extra parts hanging off my body and why they do what they do.

I need to find my kid a dad before he realizes he can play with those parts. Cause I'm kind of at a loss here. :)

Time Travel

My child thinks he's a time traveler!

It's like I have a newborn all over again. Last night he was up every 2 hours to eat. And I mean every 2 hours. It was like he had an alarm set.

After last night I feel a lot of pity for those women who chose to bottle feed from the beginning. At least when I was nursing I could lay on my side, get him latched and then doze off until he was done. It was awesome! Now I have to get up, go to the kitchen, make a bottle, get him out of his crib, let him eat, put the bottle away and put him back to bed. At that point I can finally go back to sleep myself.

I ended up just keeping him in bed with me most the night. He went to bed around 8, got up at 10 so I fed him and took him back to his room thinking the rest of the night would be peaceful. Nope, up again at midnight! And then again at 2am, 4am and 6am. Finally after his 6am feeding I took him back to his bed cause I just couldn't deal with him anymore. But he was yelling and crying again at 8am so I just gave up and took him into the living room so he could play and I could lay on the couch.

There are a lot of days that I really miss having a newborn, there's lots to love about having a brand new baby. They sleep all the time, the just want to be held, they are beautiful and you still have that high from their birth (or at least I did, I was cracked out for like 2 weeks after he was born, endorphins are AMAZING). But Wy getting up every 2 hours to eat is like having a newborn without the perks. He doesn't want to just lay in bed with me, he's busy busy busy all the time. He's still an adorable little boy, but he hardly can hold still long enough for me to get a good look at him.

I'm praying that all the activities today wore him out and he will sleep good tonight. But I'm not betting on it.

UPdates

I swear Wyatt is going to start walking any second now...he pulls himself up on absolutely everything now. He's no longer happy just being able to crawl either. He does it cause it's the quickest way to get from point A to point B, but when he's not in a rush he does this weird crawl on one leg, push with his other foot thing. It's very strange. But I know it is the next step towards walking! So weird as it is it's exciting too.

He has started yelling to get my attention too. Like this morning, he was playing in the living room while I was getting ready for work and I heard him making his normal noises and walked out of the bathroom while brushing my teeth just to see what he was up to. He was standing holing on to the couch so he was facing the bathroom and could see me when I was standing in the doorway. When I turned back to the sink to spit all the sudden Wy started yelling again till I poked my head out the door to see what the problem was. Then all he did was smile like he was saying "Hi Mom!"

It's great seeing how different he is every day. I can't wait to start hearing words and seeing him take steps on his own.

Bedtime

Tonight I got another taste of why I love being a mom so much.

Wy spent the day playing so was actually tired by the time it was bedtime. Woo hoo for that first of all! I never really can tell when he will go right to sleep at night or when he is going to need 10 min of crying to fall asleep. Thankfully 10 min is about the longest he ever needs anymore. But tonight he was actually tired!

So we picked out a couple books and sat in the glider to read a little before sleeping. Wy just sat in my lap with his head leaned back on my shoulder looking at the pictures. Every now and then he would look up at me while I was reading and just stare at me. I love looking down and seeing his little face.

When I put him into bed he grabbed his blanket, opened his mouth for his bobo and just smiled a little as I turned on a little bit of bedtime music to help him drift off.

There is literally nothing that can compare to being a mom and it's not even the big moments that make you tear up; it's the little ones, the every day moments when your heart just bursts with how wonderful it is to have brought someone to special and beautiful into the world and having the privilege to spend the rest of your life watching them grow and learn and love life.

Sickies & Overnights

I have been pretty lucky so far to only have gotten really sick twice since Wyatt was born. One weekend I out of nowhere got the flu and was coughing and feverish and miserable, but it was over days that i was normally at work. So I was able to drop Wy off at the sitter, make a valiant effort to go to work then head home to nap for a few hours before picking the little monster up. The second time I was sick, we both got a weird little stomach bug for a day and that was it. We stayed home together resting and were both fine the next day.

This past Thursday I started to get a scratchy throat at work, but I had been on the phone a LONG time that day so I just chalked it up to talking too much. I woke up Friday feeling like I had been hit by a bus. But I still chugged through and went to work, taking with me a small pharmacy that included Chloraseptic spray, cold meds and a box of tea bags. When my boss walked by that morning he asked if he was going to find me passed out in my cube later. Impressively I made it through 9 of the 11 hours I was scheduled to be at work. But finally I hit a wall where I couldn't breathe and I just needed to go home before I really did pass out in my cube. I must have looked pretty sick cause my boss told me to get home and get some rest when I went to ask if I could sneak out early.

I fully expected to wake up feeling better on Saturday and be able to get back to work, instead I woke up feeling even worse and this time with a fever. So Wyatt and I stayed home. He was pretty good most of the day, but he's only 7 months old, he doesn't quite understand, please be good mommy doesn't feel well and wants to rest. There was one point that I was trying to change his diaper and he just wasn't having it and wanted to keep rolling over that I just lost it for a second and actually yelled at him. I felt so bad when I saw the startled confused look on his face. Poor kid didn't know what was going on!

Thankfully Gramma and Grandpa were able to come pick him up that evening and took him overnight and for most of Sunday. Which was a new adventure all on it's own. This was the first time Wyatt has been away from me over night. Yes, yes, I know he is apart from me for hours and hours every time I go to work. But I'm at work during those hours. I'm busy, I'm at my office. This time I was alone, tired and sick at home. I cried a lot after my dad and Lori left with him. I started crying before I even got back into the apartment. It was a hard night. But it was wonderful to have a night of sleep, to sleep until I woke up for the first time since I was pregnant. No crying in the middle of the night, no having to get up half asleep to change a diaper or make a bottle. It was wonderful. I was thrilled to get him back though. I have never been so happy, well at least not since the day he was born and I finally got to meet him and hold him and have him look up at me.

I'm learning that being sick when you are a parent means pretending you aren't sick and trying to get better under circumstances that would usually just mean you can expect to get sicker. I'm still exhausted today, but I came to work. I really need another day of rest and sleep but I'm not expecting it any time soon. And at this point I am just praying Wyatt stays well so I don't have to miss work because he's a little sickie too.

Personality

Wyatt has personality to spare lately. My new favorite thing he does is look at you and smile when he knows he is playing with something he shouldn't. I also love that he has started following me around. It's such a fun surprise to look down and see his smiley little face.

This morning Josie (our cat) finally actually walked up to him and sniffed him while he was on all fours following me from the bedroom to the bathroom. I was watching them while brushing my teeth and the grin he got when she put her nose up to his was priceless. He was so thrilled to finally be getting a little attention from this elusive furry gray thing! In fact when she walked away he looked right at me like "Did you see that Mom!" I laughed and sprayed toothpaste on the mirror. Totally worth it.

He laughs when he hears the theme song from Jack's Big Music Show.

He smiles when I sing, but especially when it's Twinkle Twinkle little star.

Man I love that kid!

Long Goodbyes

When I dropped Wy off at the sitter's a little while ago, I got him out of his car seat and passed him to her just like usual. I kissed him and told him to have fun today. And then I had to leave. Right when I got to the door I looked back to say bye and he was watching me go and almost waved. Kind of. He doesn't really know how to wave or why you would wave yet, but he getting there.

It broke my heart. I would so much rather hang out with him all day today.

I feel bad almost running out of there every morning that I drop him off, but on days when I just want to spend time with him, it's just too hard to not do that.

I am praying that he does not start with separation issues any time soon, cause I don't know if I will be able to deal with having to walk out the door while he is crying.

The Hardest Thing

These long 10 hour days at work are really getting to me lately. Wyatt is changing so fast, every single day he is doing something new! And I want so badly to be able to be home with him.

He is now crawling, belly up off the floor arms and legs working together crawling. It's amazing to have watched him figure it out all on his own.

And on Wednesday I walked into his room to find he had pulled himself up onto his knees using the rails of his crib. Time to drop the mattress so I don't run in to find a screaming baby in the middle of "nap time".

Plus I noticed that he can go from tummy to sitting and back now.

I hardly even recognize him in his newborn pictures anymore, he is such a different kid now. He looks like a little boy, even acts like a little boy sometimes. Like when he started to pitch a tiny fit in Target the other day when I took away the shopping list he was trying to ingest.

It's amazing how he is changing and more than anything I just want to be there for it. He's going to have so much time to be independent and on his own at school as he gets older, I wish so badly I could be around more for this part of things. Before he starts telling me I'm not cool (which I'm not so that's fine) and that I'm embarrassing him (which I plan to so that's alright too). It feels like I miss so much being apart from him all these hours. And it doesn't help knowing that I have to do this to make sure we have food and a nice place to live.

I miss Wyatt. All the time. And I wish things could be different.

A Home of Our Own

So I got the idea in my head a while ago that I might be able to buy a house when my lease is up in February. Don't ask me where this idea came from, but it has stuck and I have been obsessed with figuring out if it is a real possibility.

The housing market might suck right now, but it's a gold mine for people like me. People who are looking for something small and cheap that is. It's looking right now like I could potentially get a house for less than I am paying in rent right now. Well not a house exactly, in most cases what I am looking at are condos...glorified apartments, but one that I would own free and clear after 15 years.

Right now more than anything I want to be able to own something, something important. I want to know that Wyatt and I won't have to move every freaking year from now on. The way it's looking with renting, that is a very real possibility. I can't deal with that any more. I did that in college and in grad school and I'm sick of it. The longest I have lived in one place recently is when I lived in the same apartment in Chicago for 3 years. Pathetic. Well when you lived in the same house from the time you were 2 until you left for college. It was so nice to have a safe familiar place to come home to and I want to give that to Wyatt. And selfishly I want that for myself again.

So I'm on this search and I'm not sure if I should be in more of a hurry than I am right now. Should I be talking to a realtor already? Should I be looking into how much it would cost to break my lease in case I find a wonderful place sooner than I was anticipating? I have no idea how to buy a home! I am increasingly feeling very lost and confused and overwhelmed by the whole process. I almost feel like I can't ask for help, because I am the kind of person who talks a lot about all kinds of things that never end up happening. I make tons of big plans that I make just because the process of thinking about it is fun. But I want this. I want it bad.

I just have to figure out how to make it happen.

Times They Are a'Changing

So much has been happening!

Wyatt is changing so fast it's making my head spin some days. He is starting to really look like a little boy sometimes and not a baby anymore. It makes me sad and excited at the same time. Those baby days don't last nearly long enough...I miss when he was a cuddly little newborn, content to lay wrapped against my chest all afternoon. Now he wants to crawl all over the place and play and explore!

Which is one of the biggest changes...he's almost crawling! He does this weird little army scoot right now that is pretty effective, but I think he is going to be doing real crawling soon. His little knees have like permanent rug burn from scooting around all day. :)

He's also sitting up on his own! And not just the leaning over hands on the ground sitting up but full on straight back sitting like a big boy.

We discovered that he really likes the show Jack's Big Music Show. There is obviously a lot of music in it and he has always loved music and sometimes when he's watching it he will laugh at the puppets. It freaked me out the first time he did it cause I wasn't sure what he was laughing at and then realized he was actually paying attention to the guys on the TV. No worries though he has a limited amount of time in front of the dreaded brain boiling box.

It's amazing to see how he anticipates things now. I was tickling him the other day and he would start to laugh as soon as I put my hands up and before I even touched him. He knew what was coming and would start to laugh hysterically.

I have started to think about his birthday already too. He's 7 months old! Yes there is still a good amount of time before he turns one, but I am preparing myself already. It's another exciting but sad time. By then he will be walking and talking a little, he'll be able to smash a cake up and help open his presents. Plus there is the issue of birthdays in general...I didn't celebrate mine till I was 9 and never have much fun on my birthday, it's usually a disappointment, so birthdays just aren't that important to me. But I want Wyatt to have that special day, to feel special on the day he was born. So I have to get past my own issues and create something special for him.

Man, it's been a crazy adventure so far, but so worth every second. Wyatt is starting to kind of give hugs and kisses...which means he's basically strangling you and slobbering all over your face, but it's still sweet. I can't wait for when he can tell me he loves me and he missed me while I was at work and relate all the important things he's done all day.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S

My experiment worked! I got off work last night at 9pm, picked up Wyatt, went home and let him play and spent some time with him before brushing his gums (cause there's still no teeth), reading Goodnight Moon and putting him to bed.

He went right to sleep and stayed that way till 5am when he woke up wanting to eat. That's a solid 6+ hours! And with no screaming fit for me to survive. Plus once he ate, he went right back to sleep, though it was in my bed since I had to get up at 6:30am anyway, I figured he could sleep with mommy for an hour.

I'm so happy it worked and that he was a much happier baby. Tonight will be night 2 of the experiment and I'm hoping things will go just as smoothly. His fits are so rare and usually have such a specific reason behind them that this crying mess was really getting to me. It's nice to know that there is a reason he's in such a terrible mood some nights.

Let's hope this works from now on and I don't have to hit the drawing board again.

Anxiety

The last couple weeks have been hard as far as sleeping goes. Wy hasn't been doing much of it. And everyone kept telling me it must be teething...except I knew that wasn't the issue. Don't ask how, I just knew it wasn't a problem with the teeth that was keeping my little boy up.

The other night though, it dawned on me while I was trying to get him to eat a little and go back to sleep after a long day at work.

I work 10 hour days right now so that means the poor kid is at the sitter for almost 12 hours a day 4 days a week. Most nights when I get home, I'm starving and just want to eat and relax. And most nights he is already asleep when I pick him up or falls asleep in the car on the 5 minute drive home. It occurred to me that the nights he has his screaming fits are on the days that I have been gone at work and he only spends a little bit in the morning and right when we get home with me.

Seeing him take his bottle out of his mouth to cry and then stop when I came back to his room and continue eating while staring at me made me realize he just missed me! I did a little reading and asked my doc while I was there for an appointment for myself if kids his age already start to go through some separation anxiety. She told me yes it does happen and the reading I did agreed. She also told me she actually would let her son stay up a little later on days she worked to play and spend some time with her so he would sleep.

So I'm now anxious to see if letting Wy stay up and be with me for a while after getting home from work will help with the sleeping issues.

But it does make me feel good to know my baby loves me and just wants us to hang out. :)

Sleeeeeeeeeep

Why why why won't my child sleep!  He is so over tired and has had major meltdowns the last two nights.  I actually had to swaddle my nearly 7 month old son on Thursday night just to get him to calm down enough to take a bottle.  The poor thing had tears and snot all over his face and looked more miserable than I have seen him in a long time.  Last night was not as bad, but I still ended up bring him to bed with me around 3am.  He had woken up about every 2 hours before that to cry for about 20 min and the go back to sleep.  So at 3am with only 3 more hours of available sleeping time before I had to get up and get ready for work I gave in and let him sleep with me.

Now I know this isn't an issue of him not being able to sleep on his own.  He has always been able to sleep on his own.  After he was about 2 weeks old he had no issues sleeping and I mostly kept him in bed with me so it was easier to nurse him in the middle of the night.  And once he was sleeping through the night, he slept in his own bed.

I have to wonder if he is starting to teethe bad and that's what is keeping him up, but he seems fine during the day!

I'm praying we get some sleep tonight and tomorrow on our day off.

Gramma & Grandpa's Wedding

It finally happened!  My dad and Lori finally made it to their wedding day this past Sunday!!

Honestly I could not be happier for them.  It has been a very hard and emotional last 4 years for everyone involved, but them especially.  I can only imagine the pain of having marriages ended the way theirs were, but the fact that it is possible to still find love and safety in another person after all that is amazing.  They are such wonderful compliments for each other.  I could never say they complete each other because they have proven to be strong complete people on their own, but they are the perfect compliments for each other.  They make each other happy even through the hard times.

The wedding was beautiful.  The girls spent the night at a local hotel and we had a good time getting ready in the morning.  A friend of mine does hair so I had her come do Lori's at the hotel as my wedding gift to her...she was thinking about finding a salon to go to in the morning and I just wasn't about to let that happen.  Ashley did a great job and Lori was absolutely stunning in her dress.  Her girls and I helped her put on her jewelry for a photo op (Jami was the photographer) and we were all in tears.  Once we were all dressed and ready we headed over to the Mundelein Seminary for pictures.

Lori and my dad originally didn't want to see each other before the ceremony, but Jami and myself convinced them to agree to taking pictures before so it wouldn't feel rushed after the ceremony.  So Jami arranged for my dad to get to the site first so Lori could walk up and meet him and they could have a privet moment together.  Us kids, grandkids, maid of honor and best man all stood at the bottom of the stairs watching, most of us were crying.  It was an amazing moment to watch them see each other for the first time.  We took a whole bunch of family photos and I got to take a little walk with my 3 year old niece Lily.  She is just adorable.  :)

Once us kids were done with our part of the pictures we headed back to the church to help finish setting things up.  The happy couple saved a ton of money by doing a lot of the work themselves.  In fact the day before the wedding we all were at my dad's making kabobs for the reception.  It was a hoot to say the least.  So at the church we helped put the finishing touches on the reception decorations and waited for the bride and groom to show up.

Wyatt was fabu that day, he was so good.  By the end of the night he was way over tired and crashed hard in the car, but he got enough sleep before everything started to be in a pretty good mood the whole time.  He got passed around a lot and I really had to deal with the fact that when a baby is around not too many people care what the mom is doing.  But I better get used to it, it's only gonna get worse as he gets bigger and cuter!

The ceremony was wonderful, short and to the point, but still beautiful.  The four Rendall/Daniele children in attendance lit the unity candles and stood to give our blessing before the vows.  Liliana was the flower girl and pranced down the aisle throwing her flowers.  She had a little meltdown because she wanted to go play and couldn't but she just needed a nap and was fine after a family member took her inside.  Wy had no idea what was going on, but looked cute in his tux.

So things are all wrapped up now.  The bride and groom are off on their honeymoon, all the kids are back home and at work, the grandkids doing what they do.  I can't wait for them to get home so Wy and I can go visit.  I really want to make sure I am making an effort to see the grandparents that are close by at least once a month, even when he gets older.  It's good to have family.

And I'm happy that mine has grown.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day! My second in fact, but I don't really count last year, so this is my official first! :)

Last year I was in such a weird place. I was just barely through my first trimester, I still wasn't feeling that great, I had just made the trek from Florida back home, I was working as much as I could at my part time job...I hadn't really accepted that I was a mom just yet. It didn't mean anything to me. In fact due to lots of morning sickness and my body type in general I wasn't even showing yet so there were times that I would wake up and not remember I was pregnant and think life was totally normal. Things were far from normal at that point!

But this year I got to spend the day with my favorite little man. He even gave me a great mom's day present! He slept through the night for the first time in weeks, I was beyond excited when he woke me up to eat and I realized it was light out. It was wonderful to spend a day just reveling in the fact that I am a mom now. I got to spend an afternoon with my most favorite mom, my bff Jami and my godson Riley. Who by the way is the most wonderful big brother to Wyatt. Ry just adores him and spent the afternoon trying to make him laugh.

It is amazing how much I love my little booger. He is the very best part of my life. It's hard to believe we have made it through the first 6 months already, but there is so much to look forward to in the future.

So here's a little tribute so a few of my FAVORITE momma's...including a couple momma's to be.

Responsibility and Reward

I recently had a short conversation with Wyatt's dad. And per usual, I hung up the phone full of frustration and resentment.

Before going any fursther, I need to say that I in no way resent Wyatt. I made the choice to give birth to him and raise him on my own. I knew what I was getting into from the moment I saw those two pink lines. And I don't at all regret the decision, it's probably the best thing I have ever done.

My frustration comes from the fact that it seems so easy for guys to let women be the ones to deal with all the responsibility of children. This is by no means a sweeping sterotype, there are some guys who will step up, who want to be fathers. But it seems like a majority of men who end up in situations of accidental pregnancy are so willing and ready to just abandon the responsibility. Who want to act like they had no part in what happened and it can't possibly be up to them to help out.

This particular conversation was once again about Wyatt's father signing papers regarding custody. To give some back info, I never put this man's name on Wyatt's birth certificate partly for that reason, I don't want to be scared all my life that someone is going to come try and take my son away. He agreed that was fine and stated he had no intention of ever doing that. But to give myself insurance I asked him to have a document drawn up stating he is turning over all parental rights to me and will at no point in the future try to make any custody claims on Wyatt and he will not at any point contest and adoption by a future spouse of mine. I asked him to do this pretty much as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I told him if he was not interested in being a full time father he needed to have this document created and signed as soon as possible.

Needless to say, my pregnancy came and went, the day of Wyatt's birth came and went, as did his first 6 months now. So for over a year I have been contacting this person and hearing him tell me he'll get right on it and he's sorry, he totally dropped the ball, etc etc etc. And up till now I have continued to be nice and tell him to just keep me in the loop and call and email when he knows anything. I want to be able to be on good terms with this guy, he is Wy's dad and if he wants to get to know Wy at some point I would like to be able to be ok with that.

So when I talked to him the other night he PROMISED (again) that it would be done soon. And this time I plan to hold him to it. See part of the agreement was that I would refrain from asking him for money as long as he signed these papers for me. Well now a year later I'm a single mom, dealing with all the entails, mostly the fact that I am always going to be overworked and broke to make sure I can provide for my son. As far as Wy is concerned I really don't mind this. I would do anything for him, ANYTHING. But on the advice of several friends who understand my reasons for not trying to milk this guy for all he's worth, if I don't have these papers soon, I do plan to pursue legal action to get child support from him. Paternity test and all. I understand him not wanting to be involved, I have come to grips with that already. But to be so uninterested that he can't even be bothered to make his uninterest legal is past what I can handle.

One big part of my irritation is that he is off having a grand ole time, telling his friends and new girlfriend all about what happened and nobody seems to mind that he could care less about having a son. And I am now a single mom who has to work hard just to have a couple days of fun a week with my child. If that. Most of the time I am coming in for over time so I can continue to have a job. Jami actually had to remind me what a great reward I get though. I get to come home every day to a smiling happy wonderful baby who loves me every bit as much as I love him (until he's a teenager and it's all slamming doors and glares lol)

So I take on all this responsibility so I can have the wonderful reward of being a mom, a job that really I feel is the job I was made for. It's the most amazing thing I have ever done. And somehow in the middle of that, I have to find a way to not hate the man who didn't want to get to know this fantastic child. Not to mention prepare myself emotionally for the day he shows up out of the blue asking to meet Wyatt.

A lot of the time it feels like I got the short end of the stick, I get stuck with all the hard work, but I need to keep remembering that I got the good parts, I got Wyatt.

Dinos!!

Today my dad emailed me a reminder about the live show Walking with Dinosaurs! My best friend took her son to this show a couple years ago and they both loved it. Who wouldn't love giant mechanical dinosaurs on stage!!!!

Mostly though for me it's the excitement of being able to take Wyatt to something like that. By the time of the show he will be 8 months old and really able to enjoy and pay attention to some parts of it. I have no doubt he would love all the colors and lights and noise, he already loves those things. It feels like the beginning of all the awesome stuff we will be able to do together. I'm already considering signing up for swim lessons over the summer, I know I want him to learn to swim so why not start now when we can enjoy them together!

As a single mom I know I am going to have to make some extra effort to do things with him as he gets older. It's easy to get wrapped up in working saying it's so I can provide for him, but I feel like providing for him is more about the time we spend together and the memories we make than just about giving him material things. As long as he is clothed and fed and we are able to do fun things and experience the world together I will know I am providing for him.

And dinosaurs are going to be an important part of that. :)

Friendships Past

The past few days an ongoing issue has been bothering me more than usual for some reason. Well not for some reason, implying I don't know what that reason is. It's more like for reasons I understand but don't quite know why I am thinking about them at this point in time.

Over the last year or so I have seen two of my very closest friendships go up in smoke. Literally just disappear for no apparent reason that I can see. Now I have always been a believer that friends come and go, people are in your life for a season and a reason, blah blah blah. But these two friendships in particular I kind of felt were exempt from that rule.

The first was with someone who is/was one of my oldest friends. No, not old as in age, but old in how long we have been close friends. He was basically the other brother I never wanted. We looked out for each other in high school, helping one another navigate those crazy times. We swapped stories about who did what first through college as we started to explore the world away from our parents as pseudo adults. And we stayed close despite being across the country and on several occasions across the world from one another. We wrote letters and made short expensive phone calls, we were family. He attended holidays at my house when he was on the rocks with his family and was there with him those same holidays when he made the required drop by to his own family get together's. I sat with him at his sisters wedding, he held my hand while I cried over canceling my own wedding. He was the one who drove 3 hours in the REALLY early morning hours to bring me junk food for breakfast and force me out of bed after learning my parents were separating.

Clearly we have a long and involved history.

But as time moved on it seemed more and more like he didn't understand me like he used to. And then him answering my calls became more infrequent. Then it became non existent. The clincher was the birth of my son. This man has known how badly I wanted children the entire time he has known me. He knew how I would cry over the thought of not having my own if I didn't find the right relationship to have them in. He more than anyone always told me what a wonderful mom I would be and how he couldn't wait to be someones "uncle". So when I didn't get an RSVP for my baby shower (which he has deemed EXTREMELY important to him and the only thing that could keep him away was a work emergency) I got irritated. And then I chalked it up to preggo hormones. Yet, as my due date approached and I still didn't hear from him, I really began to question our friendship. He had called himself my best friend for a looooong time. Wouldn't you cross oceans to help celebrate the birth of your best friends first child? I know I would! If it had been at all possible for me to get to California in time to be there with Jami when Riley was born I would have done it in a heartbeat. I'm still sad I missed it.

Wyatt is now 5 months old, and this person who for so many years was my best friend has yet to meet him. He has only seen the few pictures that I sent him on the holidays from my cell phone. Pictures that were sent to pretty much everyone I knew. I had dinner with a mutual friend a couple days ago and one of her very first questions was "Have you talked to Tom lately?" And the second she saw the look on my face she knew the answer. I had to tell her that the last time I even kind of spoke to him was at Christmas, when he sent me a very canned text after receiving my picture of Wyatt and I. She was flabbergasted. In fact she let me know she has specifically asked him when he was in town recently if he was going to see us and his answer was "Of course!"

So what the heck do you do with all that? This person had been a huge part of my like for 13 years. Nearly half my life. And suddenly and without explanation they decide not to be part of it any more. There is not much else that will make you wonder what is wrong with you like that will.

The loss of the other important relationship kind of happened in tandem. It was again someone that I have/had been close to for a long time, who suddenly started acting like she was so much better than myself and the other girls in our little group. We had banded together while working at the same store during my college years. And even after the closing of the store we stayed tight. We were always there through each crisis, we all took turns comforting and supporting the one in need. These three women became my sisters. I didn't talk to them every day all the time, but when we needed each other we were there, no questions asked. And again suddenly we weren't good enough.

I knew she was having issues with another friend, but that didn't stop me from trying to maintain my friendship with her. But it got very strange and strained after I got pregnant. She seemed happy for me, she said happy things, she even took a few cute pictures of me after I had started to show a little bit. I was actually kind of worried, because she had the bad luck of having trouble getting pregnant, and finally she and her husband decided to adopt an amazing little girl. At the time they were even talking about maybe adopting a second child. So I decided not to worry about it and take what she said at face value. Again the returning of phone calls stopped and the times we did talk she never asked how I was or how the baby was. She hardly even told me anything personal about her own life. She too skipped out on my baby shower with only a facebook RSVP. Which is fine for most people, but not for someone you consider your sister. The final straw was knowing she opted out of coming to visit Wyatt and me in the hospital after he was born. Then hearing it was because that "just isn't the time to show up and pretend everything is ok." If you ask me, that is the perfect time. Make up and clear the slate over the celebration of a new life.

So I guess my big question now is how do I deal with this. How do I not get annoyed when I hear about these people from people who are still friends with both of us. How do I forgive people who I feel betrayed me in a very big way. I have done all the little things. I'm honestly not even that sad about it anymore. I have bigger and more important things to worry about. Maybe I'm just looking for a little closure...like after a bad breakup. I want to know that it's not my fault.