Bath Time

God I just can't get over how quick Wyatt is changing. Even day to day sometimes he seems to be changing.

Today for instance, I finally realized what was making bath time such a headache. Wyatt has hated baths since day one. I don't know if he screamed his head off when the nurses bathed him at the hospital since they took him out of the room to do it, but he made it quite clear once I got him home that he did not like to take baths. Every time I had to do it I left the experience with a migraine. then suddenly one day, he didn't cry! He kind of laughed while I sang him songs and washed him up! It was amazing! And short lived. He went back to the hatred of baths pretty quick. Well finally today I noticed that he had both his arms flung out like he was trying to get his balance back while he was reclining in the baby tub we use. This tub is pretty awesome (thanks Shara!), it has a little hammock thing for when he was super tiny, and end that is reclined and an end that helps him sit up. For some reason I hadn't thought till today to maybe try putting him in the end that helps him sit. In every other part of life I have noticed that he prefers to be upright, that he doesn't really like the view from flat on his back. But it didn't even dawn on me that he might prefer the same thing in the tub! As soon as I turned him around and he could see better and play better he was just fine. Granted he was not excited to be there, but he smiled a little and batted around his little floaty toys and best of all STOPPED CRYING!

Just that simple little change made him much happier and reinforced what a big boy he is becoming. Yesterday was his 5 month b-day. I can't believe I have had him for 5 months. That is crazy. Because it doesn't feel like it has been that long. I swear time speeds up as soon as you have kids. Yes, sometimes days at work seem to stretch on a little longer than makes me happy, but it's because I can't wait to get home to him. Most days though fly by and I'm almost shocked when he starts to yawn and rub his eyes, can it really be bedtime already?

He also is trying to get his hands on absolutely everything. Not too surprising, but still a little shocking when I realize he's holding his bottle just fine on his own for a minute or two. If he felt like it, I'm pretty sure he could feed himself right now. But I like to think that he still wants me to do it. :) Eh, it lets me feel needed for a little longer!

Being a mom is a pretty freaking awesome job.

After his very first bath, in the tub around 1 month, in the tub at 3 months

Chocolate

Today I bought a chocolate caramel bar from a kid and his dad outside of the Dominicks. They were set up at a card table outside despite the fact that sitting out there longer than an hour would have turned the decently warm day into something frigid. The boy was selling candy as a fundraiser for his boyscout pack (is that what the call boyscout groups?) So using the dollar bill I had in my coat pocket I bought a chocolate bar from the boy while discussing the fact that we both favored the ones with caramel inside.

This brief encounter probably would never had made me think twice in the past. But today it nearly made me cry as I packed Wyatt and my purchases into the car. I was lucky to have grown up with a dad who wanted to be involved in my life, who came to my theatre shows, even though I know he hates Shakespeare he came anyway, he used to take me out to breakfast and then to hang out at the book store cause we are both nerdy like that. So it breaks my heart to know my kid doesn't have that. And Wyatt is missing out on having a dad because of me, because of decisions I made and a situation that I created for myself.
Now I know it's not all my fault. I know his father made the decision to live his life and not get to know Wy, no matter how selfish that is. But I did make the decision to keep Wyatt, to not find a different kind of family for him where he could have 2 parents. I made the decision to not try to force his father to be involved like some women might have. I am the one who got pregnant in the first place, Wyatt didn't ask to be brought into the world. He deserves all the love in the world from as many people as possible.

I suppose all I can do is to try to make the best decisions possible and to love Wyatt no matter what. He does have an uncle and grandfather who are crazy about him and probably would sit in the cold in front of a grocery store to sell candy if Wy asked them to. He has a godfather and god-cousin/brother/whatever you decide to call Riley, who think he's great and would happily help him out. There are lots of guys in his life that will be able to take the place of the father who isn't interested in finding out how wonderful he is. Just like I have had to find other people to fill some roles in my life from time to time, Wyatt will find that too.
That doesn't keep me from feeling guilty sometimes though. And it won't ever keep me from feeling sad that Wyatt will probably always wonder why he wasn't good enough for his dad to be around and love him.
And I don't think I will be able to give him a good answer. Because really, how could you not love this little goober?

Oddities

I have to say that there has not been a single day since I became a mother that I have not noticed how strange and bizarre it is to be a parent. Each day Wyatt grows into himself a little bit more and becomes separate from me in increasingly dramatic ways.

Right now I can barely believe that there was a time when I carried him inside me and had him with me every second of every day. For 10 months we were never apart. Then there was a sudden and traumatic separation of two people that can't be equaled in any respect. I love watching my baby grow and become his own person. It's amazing to watch his little personality develop. He's starting to recognize his name and when I call him from across the room he looks up at me and smiles.

But he has this whole life of his own that already I am no part of! He goes to daycare and that is his thing...work is my thing, not as much fun I'm sure, but we each have a place we go that the other can't. Already he is his own person. When he was first born he was still kind of a part of me, he was still with me pretty much 24/7 and still totally dependent entirely on me for everything, there was no other person in the world who could satisfy all of his needs. He slept with me, ate with me, came everywhere (excluding the bathroom) with me, often wrapped snugly against my chest. But now, all those needs he has can be met by other people as well. And there are times that he prefers to not be in my lap while I do things. He would rather play in his jumparoo or lay on the floor playing with a toy while watching the latest episode of Dora the Explorer.

At times I can hardly even remember being pregnant, it's such a distant time now. And I wonder during these times who this alien child is that I am taking care of, how did he even get here? Thankfully all I have to do to remember is lift him into my arms or hear his throaty little laugh or see his eyes light up and his smile appear when I say his name, the name I chose for him after much thought and care and listening deep into myself to get a glimpse of his personality that was already starting to blossom even before he was born.

Wyatt Christopher.

I made you.

You are part of me, made up of the same stuff I am.

And you are totally your own person.

The Mom Belly

I am having some pretty serious body image issues lately.

Obviously from the beginning I have known getting pregnant was going to change my body in some radical ways. But that doesn't make it any less shocking when it finally happens. Being pregnant was very weird for me in lots of ways...the endless runny nose, the morning sickness, the super power smelling ability, the constant exhaustion...but the strangest of all was how my body felt. There were days that I felt like I should see my pre-pregnancy body in the mirror, that I could swear I felt my normal body under all the extra weight of the baby. I know it makes me sound like a total looney, but it happened a lot. I have always been a pretty slender person. Curvy, but slender. And I was down to about my goal weight when I found out I was pregnant. In fact I had just bought a whole bunch of new clothes, excited about not being able to fit into a lot of my stuf anymore...excited that it was too big, that is.

So now that Wyatt is here and a lot of my baby weight is gone, I figured I would be ok with slow loss of the rest of it and eventually fitting back into the clothes I was so excited about before him. It's been 4 months now and I will readily admit I have not been doing anything to help me lose the weight. I have never been good at making myself work out or go run every day. And being a single mom means I don't really have the luxery of leaving the house and jogging when I feel like it. So part of the issues I have been having are really my fault.

But beyond just the excess weight there are a lot of other things going on with my body that I just don't like. I feel gross all the time. And now that my hormones are starting to regulate my hair is falling out in clumps just like my friends warned me it would. More than anything I feel like nothing fits me anymore! My shape has changed in subtle little ways that are driving me crazy! I'm hoping some of that will be eleviated by me spending some quality time in the gym here at work.

Why is it that people stop talking about what is happening to me and my body once the baby is born? All the pregnancy books leave out what happens to mom once labor and delivery are over. Everything is totally focused on the child. Which to some extent is how it should be. But I really could have used some guidence and warning about what was going to happen to me! What was "normal" after delivery. I felt, and still do sometimes, stranded, like what I'm going through isn't as important as all the changes happening to my son. I'm glad to know how he should and is growing and developing but how should I be progressing? What are some tips for changing my diet from one where I was starving all the time and constently snacking to a more normal diet that is healthy for both me and Wy? Why don't mom's get the same kind of support a newborn does? First time mom's are to some extent no different than the baby, we don't have any clue what is going on!! Thank god for friends who aren't squeemish or prude talking about all the weird gross things that happen after the weird gross things from pregnancy.

I need to find some kind of motivation for getting to where I used to be. Because I felt good in January 2009! I was comfortable in my own skin and happy when I looked in the mirror. And right now I don't feel either of those things, but that doesn't seem to be enough to get my fat ass moving!