Over the last few weeks I have had a couple opportunities to go out and be an adult rather than just a mom. It's been quite the learning experience, in ways that I didn't really expect honestly.
First off, I want to say that I am extremely grateful to have parents and a wonderful babysitter who are willing to watch Wyatt overnights so I can have a bit of a break every now and then. I probably would lose my mind if it weren't for them. But I have been noticing a trend the last couple times I have gone out; I get out and then don't actually want to be there. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago a friend I used to work with invited me to go out with herself, her husband and a guy she thought I might get along with. Ok, fine, I needed a break anyway. People without children in the house though don't know/don't seem to remember how much planning it takes to get out and the zillion things you have to consider just to have a night of fun. For me that means checking with my sitter to see if she is even available to take Wy overnight; wondering just how exhausted I will be by 8pm on Saturday night after getting up at 6am and working all day; figuring out where I will be, if I can drink, and what time I will get home so I can make sure I am up and fresh when I have to pick Wy up at 9am on Sunday morning. It's a lot to consider. So when I make plans I like to stick to them. I used to be such a roll with whatever waves come kind of person, but now I hate when plans get changed. It makes me reconsider all those things I just mentioned. My night is very different if I am 5 min from home or an hour from home.
Needless to say all that was building up to saying my friend and I made plans and then those plans got changed. When I told her I would have to think about it I got a hail storm of texts telling me I was no fun, I was going to ruin the night with that kind of attitude, and basically I would end up alone forever if this was going to be how I act. Finally I gave in and agreed to the new plans, dreading the evening. And it pretty much lived up to my expectations. We went to see a cover band at a bar I would never have gone to, I got teased for not drinking the swill at the bottom of my Guinness ("That's such a waste, don't waste beer like that"), and listened to what felt like a never ending conversation about how much fun fishing is. I did have a little bit of fun, but it was mostly because my friend seemed to notice how I was not fitting into the conversation and started to make an attempt to talk about other things. She and I got along great when we were working together, but we are very different and when it comes down to it don't seem to have a lot in common.
I got home that night (after a 40 min drive back to my apartment) exhausted, starving and irritated there was no parking close to my building. I ended up parking in the handicapped spot relatively close to my place since I knew I would be up and out the door to pick up Wyatt before it really mattered. Picking up Wy filled me with a surprising sense of relief.
This past weekend, unlike the previous occasion, I actually kind of ended up visiting my old life as I like to call it. A friend asked me to go to Chicago and see the play he was in. I haven't been to see a show in a long time so when it offered to buy my ticket I could hardly refuse. The show was fantastic, it was a wonderful evening in the city that I have missed so much lately.
You're waiting for the weird part right?
It was at a theatre I spent a lot of time at about 5 years ago now and another one of my ex's was also in the show. Oh, I forgot to mention the friend who invited me was an ex boyfriend? Sorry. So I was going back to a place where I spent a lot of crazy nights, seeing one ex that I actually have a good friendship with now and another ex who I think stays my Facebook friend cause we are both to lazy to delete the other. It was one big weird time warp. And as much as I enjoyed the show and enjoyed seeing some people I haven't talked to in a long time, I missed Wyatt like crazy the whole time. I had to work really hard not to call my sitter at intermission and ask if he got to sleep ok.
On my way home, I decided to stop by the bar I used to work at just for the hell of it. I hadn't been there in probably 3 years and was curious to see if I knew anyone still working there. I did. It was really nice to see an old friend, but it was also such a gut check for me. I could have ended up in the same place; forever serving drinks to a bunch of annoying kids, watching 21 yr old girls flirt with the door guy...
What did all this teach me?
First and most important; I am so thankful things happened the way they did. Wyatt saved my life. I feel so much more focused and happy now that I have him.
Second; I'm really not that interested in dating. I don't really want to get to know new people. Or rather I don't care to spend the time to get to know a new guy/potential love interest. I have really enjoyed meeting other mom's and getting to know people again in a different context as parents. But I am completely uninterested in spending the time and energy it takes to get to know and connect with someone on a romantic level. It takes time away from Wyatt and he is changing and growing so fast I don't want to miss a second of it. These experiences have made me realize that if I date any time soon it will be someone I already know that I end up with. And even that doesn't sound too appealing most days.
Third; man my old life sucked. At least looking at it with a 30 year olds eyes. At the time I was living it I loved going out all the time and having fun and meeting new people all the time. I'm glad it's behind me, glad I go home to my little boy every night. I easily could have been sucked into the black hole that is living/eating/breathing theatre. I loved it, I still love it, but having a family means more to me. Being a mom is what my real goal was all those years.
Nothing makes me happier than my kid hugging me, listening to him tell me stories in his baby babble, seeing his eyes light up when he sees geese outside, hearing him say real words for the first time...this list could go on forever.
My life is actually pretty perfect the way it is right now.
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