While I completely understand that and to be completely honest am seriously jealous he has the luxury, that kind of thing is one of the reasons I cannot stand him sometimes.
He is spending a weekend to himself in the mountains, I am home with a sick toddler. I spent my morning calming a very freaked out boy who woke up and was so congested he was having trouble getting a good deep breath. Then I spent an hour waiting at a clinic to get my sick child checked out only to be told 1) if it's croup they don't treat it but will charge me for the exam anyway and 2) that they don't take Medicare so I would be paying out of pocket. I then walked out of the clinic, went home, gave my son medication to help bring his fever down and attempted to get him to relax on the couch.
When I brought up to Wyatt's father that if he is planning to put Wy on his health insurance to please do it now (since he previously said he was going to) so I can actually get my kid seen by a doctor on the weekends if I need to. His response was well I probably won't have health insurance much longer so there's no point. A tiny part of me wanted to smash his face in.
It would appear that the tiny little bit of parenting he actually does (which in reality is next to nothing) suits him just fine. He can feel good about himself knowing he has "done what he can". He really actually said those words to me.
I am at that point where every word that comes out of his mouth makes me furious. I really am at my whits end, I don't have any idea what to do anymore, because I know I need to find a way to exist in the same universe as this man without wanting to punch him all the time. But it's hard. Because he's not a parent. He does no parenting. He calls and talks non-sense to Wyatt 3 times a week. Most of those days Wyatt wants to talk to him for about 3 minutes before he gets bored and tries to walk off. I have to actually stop him, sit him down and make him hold the phone.
In my church small group we are reading a book called Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick, and this week I was reading ahead a little bit. I came across a couple statements that really struck me as applying to my situation with Wyatt's father. And I can't say they made me overly excited. They also didn't bring much clarity as to what I am supposed to do next but I think the first step is just knowing what to expect in some ways. Here's what I found.
"When you ask God to do the impossible, he usually instructs you to do something uncomfortable. And inconvenient."
"And before God can do an impossible work in our world, you need to let him do a deep work in your heart."
"So the apostle Paul talks about a 'circumcision of the heart,' one that isn't merely 'outward and physical'. This circumcision involves God cutting away everything in out lives that doesn't bring glory to him."
All I could think about while I was reading this is that if I want to move on to the life I want to live I have some cleaning up to do first. And the biggest mess at the moment is the hurt, resentment and near hate that I feels towards Wyatt's dad at the moment. He absolutely isn't doing everything he could do to be a good parent to this amazing little boy. That is just a fact. When it comes to being a parent I do all the heavy lifting and it shows. But I need to work harder at forgiving and continuing to do what is best for my son and not myself.
I have a feeling this process is going to make me cry more than I already do.
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