Anniversery of Sorts

Wednesday the 16th was my anniversery with Wyatt. It's the day one year ago that I found out I was going to be a mom.

Realizing I might be pregnant was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. I had been feeling tired and kind of sick for a few days, but figured I was just getting a cold and didn't think much more about it. Friday I went to a photo session in Tampa, Saturday was Valentines day and I had to work, and Sunday I puttered around my apartment hanging out with my pooch and enjoying a day off. Monday though I was just feeling weird. I knew something wasn't right all day long and I just couldn't put my finger on it. The longer the feeling lasted the more aggitated I became. Finally that evening I decided to do some yoga to wear myself out so I would maybe sleep good that night. No such luck. Finally around 10pm the thought came to me out of no-where. I suddenly had the thought that my period was 3 days late. Now it's been late before, the birth control I was on made it a little flooey and it fluxed a few days each month. But that time it felt different. Once I had the actual thought that I could be pregnant, it just felt true. So I rushed right out and get a pregnancy test...positive. The words "ohshit" and "what the fuck" were the first things out of my mouth.



I flipped. I totally lost it. I began to obsessivly redial my 2 best friends phone numbers in hopes of getting them on the line to calm me down. When that didn't happen I called my friend Kyle, the one other person I could think of that I wouldn't feel weird freaking out in front of and knew would only have kind words and support, not judgement. We all know the way to tell if your knocked up is if a second line appears on a pregnancy test. If we learned nothing else from Juno and Knocked Up and maybe even Baby Mama it's that. But my positive result wasn't "enthusiastic" by which I mean the second line was kind of pale. And while talking to Kyle after leaving messages for the girls I really tried to convince myself that maybe it was wrong and I didn't really see the line there. It was a valient effort.

When Shara called me back I nearly hung up on Kyle without saying goodbye, let alone thanking him for talking with me. I needed to talk to another woman! Another woman who had been in my shoes and seen that second line when it was not what they wanted to see just then. We talked for a long time. I cried a lot. Icecream and a second pregnancy test were purchased, both of which were saved for the next day. Needless to say I didn't get the sleep I was hoping to that night.

Through all that chaos though I knew I already loved the child growing inside me. There was never any thought than that I was going to be a mother and it was going to be wonderful. Granted I was not happy about it at that moment, or many others for that matter, but deep inside I knew it was right. I have always known I would have kids. As I watched my other friends get married (or not) and become mom's, I have to admit there were many times that I was extreamly jealous. After spending a day with Jami and Riley sometimes I would cry on the ride home, wondering if I was ever going to have a little boy of my own. To finally know I was going to experience someone kicking me from the inside, having someone run up to be at the end of a day away from me and just want a hug, it was an amazing feeling.

And it still is. I have never been happier. There are hard days, bad days, sick days, sad days (I channeled Dr. Seuss for a second), but through it all I have the most overwhelming love for my son. The time we spent together while I was pregnant will always be special to me, I did a lot of bonding with him during that time. I knew I was going to need a profound love and connection with my child to be able to have the strength to succeed as a single mom, and I wanted to build that from the very beginning.

So happy anniversery my little baby!