Hello Monday!
I hate Monday. Mondays stink.
Well except for the part where Monday is when How I Met Your Mother is on. I love this show. In a huge way. Honestly I wasn't that into it for a long time, then I started to catch more episodes in reruns. I started to fall a little bit in love, so when I moved to this apartment and got my very own DVR I decided to give it a chance by recording the new episodes.
This has been a rough season to be totally honest. But in the way that I love most; these characters are growing and changing and moving away from some of the things that made them who they were in the first couple of seasons. They are all still fundamentally the same people, but just like in life they are changing. One of the things that I have especially loved about this season is just how much they manage to touch on all my emotions. Pretty much every episode this season has made me tear up a little at some point. One second I am crying from laughing so hard and the next I am crying because I am touched or sad for these amazing characters.
One major theme I have noticed this season has been fathers. Ted's quest to find the right girl so he can become a father; Marshall deciding it was time to start trying to become a father in the midst of losing his own father; Barney searching for his father.
I was a wreck during the funeral episode. I am very close with my own father. A year ago I watched him lose his own dad and had the realization that one day I am going to have to go through that myself.
Tonight I was equally a wreck watching Barney try to connect with his father who had been out of his life for 30 years. I never wanted that for my son and it terrifies me that it could happen. I know his dad is trying now. And I have to give him a little bit of credit, he is doing what he can. But the reality is he chose not to be around for the first year of Wyatt's life. He made the choice not to know his son.
My hope is he never decides that was the better option and disappears. He hasn't seen the worst parts of being a parent yet. He hasn't felt the panic that swells up when you watch the numbers on a thermometer climb. He hasn't stayed up all night with a crabby teething baby. He hasn't had to listen to his kid scream like he's dying while on a time out. It's pretty inevitable that eventually he will experience some of this stuff. You can't spend time with a kid and not see at least a little bit of the less glamorous parts of parenting. I can't help but wonder though if he is going to get a taste of it and wish he had made the choice to just stay away.
I don't want to watch Wyatt go through the hurt and anger I watched a fictional character go through tonight. Cause if it hurt me to watch someone who's not real go through it, I think it might kill me to watch it happen to my son.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Way Too Long
I am just now realizing how crazy long it has been since I last wrote anything in my blog. It's been a long month since I wrote about my new look on Valentines Day. Wyatt is changing in leaps and bounds every day and I need to be more dedicated to documenting that. The primary reason why I started this blog was to be able to keep a record of my journey with him and I am disappointed in myself for not being more diligent about it.
Unfortunately I just don't have the energy right now to catch up. But I have a new goal for myself! I plan to write in this blog at least once a week from now on. I want to be able to look back at the end of the year and see at least 52 posts. Wyatt is only a toddler once and I want to have a good record of all the highs, lows and in-betweens.
So here is a list of some things I want to make sure to write about over the coming weeks along with everything else.
1) Wyatt's love for the show Bubble Guppies
2) Adventures in babysitting - in which I feel jealous & like a horrible mother
3) Gymnastics class
4) The insane reaction I had to an episode of The Tudors
5) Our upcoming trip to Florida
6) Something I realized about dating as a single mom
Ok since it's late and that's all I can think of at the moment, I will leave it at that. That's already 6 blog posts I have to get caught up on! And crap I just thought of a couple more things I want to write about...the show Teen Mom, Wyatt's dad, going to Chuck E Cheese...
Now though, it is time for bed since I have to work early tomorrow.
Unfortunately I just don't have the energy right now to catch up. But I have a new goal for myself! I plan to write in this blog at least once a week from now on. I want to be able to look back at the end of the year and see at least 52 posts. Wyatt is only a toddler once and I want to have a good record of all the highs, lows and in-betweens.
So here is a list of some things I want to make sure to write about over the coming weeks along with everything else.
1) Wyatt's love for the show Bubble Guppies
2) Adventures in babysitting - in which I feel jealous & like a horrible mother
3) Gymnastics class
4) The insane reaction I had to an episode of The Tudors
5) Our upcoming trip to Florida
6) Something I realized about dating as a single mom
Ok since it's late and that's all I can think of at the moment, I will leave it at that. That's already 6 blog posts I have to get caught up on! And crap I just thought of a couple more things I want to write about...the show Teen Mom, Wyatt's dad, going to Chuck E Cheese...
Now though, it is time for bed since I have to work early tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentine's Day
So another Valentine's Day has come and gone.
I never was a big fan of the holiday myself. For me it was one of those days with so many expectations around it that the only possible outcome was disappointment.
And though there are a lot of people I love in my life, Valentine's Day is really a couple's holiday, so when you are alone there is nothing to look forward to.
So this year I decided to not worry about the fact that I am single (still) and have now declared it Wyatt's holiday.
No longer with February 14th come with feelings of dread, but instead it will be looked forward to with happiness and thanks.
I wrote last year around this time about my special anniversary with Wyatt, the anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant. A day which happens to fall on February 16th.
It's now been two years since my whole life got turned upside down. And things just keep getting better. Yes, I have a lot to worry about and a lot that I am responsible for. My life is far from perfect. But I love being a mom, it is the best thing I have ever experienced.
Because of Wyatt I can be excited about a day normally reserved for couples to celebrate their love for each other even if I don't have a romantic relationship of my own.
I can celebrate the amazing love I have felt for my son since that very first night.
I can laugh at the thought that peeing on a stick changed my life forever.
I can be thankful to have learned what real true love is, what unconditional love is.
Tomorrow I can spend the day missing being pregnant (who thought I would ever be saying that!) and looking at the beautiful child I brought into the world and know I didn't miss a single thing on Valentine's Day, I have something better.
I never was a big fan of the holiday myself. For me it was one of those days with so many expectations around it that the only possible outcome was disappointment.
And though there are a lot of people I love in my life, Valentine's Day is really a couple's holiday, so when you are alone there is nothing to look forward to.
So this year I decided to not worry about the fact that I am single (still) and have now declared it Wyatt's holiday.
No longer with February 14th come with feelings of dread, but instead it will be looked forward to with happiness and thanks.
I wrote last year around this time about my special anniversary with Wyatt, the anniversary of the day I found out I was pregnant. A day which happens to fall on February 16th.
It's now been two years since my whole life got turned upside down. And things just keep getting better. Yes, I have a lot to worry about and a lot that I am responsible for. My life is far from perfect. But I love being a mom, it is the best thing I have ever experienced.
Because of Wyatt I can be excited about a day normally reserved for couples to celebrate their love for each other even if I don't have a romantic relationship of my own.
I can celebrate the amazing love I have felt for my son since that very first night.
I can laugh at the thought that peeing on a stick changed my life forever.
I can be thankful to have learned what real true love is, what unconditional love is.
Tomorrow I can spend the day missing being pregnant (who thought I would ever be saying that!) and looking at the beautiful child I brought into the world and know I didn't miss a single thing on Valentine's Day, I have something better.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Little Reminders
So the other day I was standing in Wyatt's room having one of those moments when I absolutely could not believe I am a mom. Maybe it's how unplanned he was, but there are days I look at him and wonder where this little alien boy came from and why he's in my house. Mostly it's in the evening when he's in bed and I'm not doing anything productive that I start having these feelings. When I finally have some time to sit alone in my own bed. The bed that I've had since 2002, the one that was frequently covered in books and papers while I was doing homework for my graduate classes, with the sheets and blankets I got myself as a Christmas gift one year. It's something that is very tangibly from my single days, Before Wyatt.
But I have massive amounts of reminders that I am for sure a mom now. They are all over my house, in my purse, between my sheets....
It's not uncommon for me to reach into my coat pocket or purse and pull out a bobo (pacifier). Also not unusual to find tiny socks amongst my blankets when I get into bed. I could vacuum my house twice a day and Wy would still be able to find a 3 day old piece of waffle to eat, I swear he hides food on purpose so he can go back for it later. The words "We don't throw toys!" come out of my mouth more times than I can count. I know all the words to the intro songs from Jack's Big Music Show, Yo Gabba Gabba, The Backyardigans and Word World, and most days I genuinely enjoy watching them (with the exception of Yo Gabba Gabba, I hate that show but Wy likes it so we watch it). Both of us trip over stray toys regularly and usually laugh about it.
Then there are things like hugs and kisses and smiles. I have this sunshiny little boy in my life now who loves me! He yells "Mama!" when he's ready to get out of bed. He's happy to pause his playing to come over for a kiss (most of the time). He smiles at me first thing in the morning, which is better than a cup of coffee for waking me up. I may say "stop that" or "put that down" a lot, but I say "I love you!" way more.
It may be hard to believe sometimes that I'm a mom, and I have had to give up a lot of things. Going for a run any time of the day or night for instance. Or being able to give in to that pancake craving I had the other night; in the past I would have been at Dennys before you could blink. But boy is it worth it. Picking Wyatt up from the babysitter is my absolute favorite part of the day. I have an absurd number of pictures of him at my desk at work, because I like to have him close during the day. And because I need those reminders. I need that random bobo appearance to help get me through the day sometimes.
But I have massive amounts of reminders that I am for sure a mom now. They are all over my house, in my purse, between my sheets....
It's not uncommon for me to reach into my coat pocket or purse and pull out a bobo (pacifier). Also not unusual to find tiny socks amongst my blankets when I get into bed. I could vacuum my house twice a day and Wy would still be able to find a 3 day old piece of waffle to eat, I swear he hides food on purpose so he can go back for it later. The words "We don't throw toys!" come out of my mouth more times than I can count. I know all the words to the intro songs from Jack's Big Music Show, Yo Gabba Gabba, The Backyardigans and Word World, and most days I genuinely enjoy watching them (with the exception of Yo Gabba Gabba, I hate that show but Wy likes it so we watch it). Both of us trip over stray toys regularly and usually laugh about it.
Then there are things like hugs and kisses and smiles. I have this sunshiny little boy in my life now who loves me! He yells "Mama!" when he's ready to get out of bed. He's happy to pause his playing to come over for a kiss (most of the time). He smiles at me first thing in the morning, which is better than a cup of coffee for waking me up. I may say "stop that" or "put that down" a lot, but I say "I love you!" way more.
It may be hard to believe sometimes that I'm a mom, and I have had to give up a lot of things. Going for a run any time of the day or night for instance. Or being able to give in to that pancake craving I had the other night; in the past I would have been at Dennys before you could blink. But boy is it worth it. Picking Wyatt up from the babysitter is my absolute favorite part of the day. I have an absurd number of pictures of him at my desk at work, because I like to have him close during the day. And because I need those reminders. I need that random bobo appearance to help get me through the day sometimes.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Parenthood
I just finally got around to watching the latest episode of Parenthood. I remember loving the movie, the one from forever ago with Steve Martin in it, so I wasn't sure I would like the show. Shows that are expansions from great movies are sometimes so terrible. But to their credit, this adaptation has it's own soul, and I have loved it.
Well the last episode, like many before, made me tear up a little. So much in this show has touched me or really hit home now that I am a parent. There are just things everyone goes through when you are raising kids, things that are really hard! This time for me it was watching poor Crosby get told he was the meanest dad ever.
For those who don't know, the show revolves around one big family. 2 parents, 4 grown children, their spouses and children. Crosby is the youngest of the 4 kids and just met his son. At the beginning of the first season an ex shows up with a 5 year old boy. So we get to watch Crosby go through the growing pains of finding out he's a father and learning how to be a father all at the same time. It was painful to watch at times. But to the character (and writers) credit, he is learning fast and is usually a pretty good dad.
This particular episode his now fiance tells him he needs to stop trying to be his child's friend and be his parent. Which can be hard. I'm just starting to get to this point of parenting. There are starting to be times when I have to be hard on Wyatt and do things I know he is going to dislike because I know they are the right thing. Poor Crosby spent this whole episode trying to be the cool dad, which was pretty ineffective. So finally right at the end he stands his ground, cancels a trip to the zoo and has to experience his son saying "I hate you!" for the first time.
It's heartbreaking to know there is going to be a day when my sweet little boy looks me right in the eye and tells me he hates me and wishes I wasn't his mom. He's going to throw his toys and slam his door, he'll tell me he wants to go live with his dad or that he never wants to see me again. And I will just have to take it. It comes with the territory. He will get mad at me for trying to be the best mom I can be, for making hard decisions. But in the end I know he will understand. He will see as he gets older (and especially when he has kids of his own) that you do your best, you love your kids and hope you are doing the right thing.
I'm not looking forward to it, not even a little bit.
Well the last episode, like many before, made me tear up a little. So much in this show has touched me or really hit home now that I am a parent. There are just things everyone goes through when you are raising kids, things that are really hard! This time for me it was watching poor Crosby get told he was the meanest dad ever.
For those who don't know, the show revolves around one big family. 2 parents, 4 grown children, their spouses and children. Crosby is the youngest of the 4 kids and just met his son. At the beginning of the first season an ex shows up with a 5 year old boy. So we get to watch Crosby go through the growing pains of finding out he's a father and learning how to be a father all at the same time. It was painful to watch at times. But to the character (and writers) credit, he is learning fast and is usually a pretty good dad.
This particular episode his now fiance tells him he needs to stop trying to be his child's friend and be his parent. Which can be hard. I'm just starting to get to this point of parenting. There are starting to be times when I have to be hard on Wyatt and do things I know he is going to dislike because I know they are the right thing. Poor Crosby spent this whole episode trying to be the cool dad, which was pretty ineffective. So finally right at the end he stands his ground, cancels a trip to the zoo and has to experience his son saying "I hate you!" for the first time.
It's heartbreaking to know there is going to be a day when my sweet little boy looks me right in the eye and tells me he hates me and wishes I wasn't his mom. He's going to throw his toys and slam his door, he'll tell me he wants to go live with his dad or that he never wants to see me again. And I will just have to take it. It comes with the territory. He will get mad at me for trying to be the best mom I can be, for making hard decisions. But in the end I know he will understand. He will see as he gets older (and especially when he has kids of his own) that you do your best, you love your kids and hope you are doing the right thing.
I'm not looking forward to it, not even a little bit.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Christmas
*Sigh*
I love Christmas. But as much as I love this time of year, I am also always happy when it's over.
This was the first Christmas Wyatt was actually able to enjoy. Last year he was only 2 months old on Christmas so we didn't do much. The family got together as usual, everyone argued over who got to hold the baby...this year though! So different. This year I got to get up early with Wy, creep quietly down the stairs of my dads house and see what Santa left during the night!
Wyatt has really started to enjoy opening gifts, though he does have about a 3 gift limit, after that he's kind of over it and just wants to play. Thankfully I have a father and step-mother who understand that fact and were happy to give him a few things right away. He tore through the wrapping and then happily played his heart out.
Dinner at my aunt's was also very different this year. Harder for me. Everyone was so happy to play with Wy (awesome), but pretty much every single person there forgot that once a toddler is spun up there is no way he is going to sit still at a dinner table (read Mom doesn't get to eat dinner). Plus dinner was much later this year than it has been in the past. One of the downfalls of being the oldest cousin with a 7 year age gap, nobody cares that my 1 year old turns into the worlds biggest grump at around 6pm. Where as the other families in my family have older kids and everyone sleeps in on Christmas, I was up at the crack of 7am feeding and entertaining my child. By the time we left for home at 9pm, Wy was on the verge of a full on meltdown. And so was mommy.
I love Christmas, the snow, the gifts, the time with family. I could do without the massive schedule upset though! Here's hoping next year is a little easier.
I love Christmas. But as much as I love this time of year, I am also always happy when it's over.
This was the first Christmas Wyatt was actually able to enjoy. Last year he was only 2 months old on Christmas so we didn't do much. The family got together as usual, everyone argued over who got to hold the baby...this year though! So different. This year I got to get up early with Wy, creep quietly down the stairs of my dads house and see what Santa left during the night!
Wyatt has really started to enjoy opening gifts, though he does have about a 3 gift limit, after that he's kind of over it and just wants to play. Thankfully I have a father and step-mother who understand that fact and were happy to give him a few things right away. He tore through the wrapping and then happily played his heart out.
Dinner at my aunt's was also very different this year. Harder for me. Everyone was so happy to play with Wy (awesome), but pretty much every single person there forgot that once a toddler is spun up there is no way he is going to sit still at a dinner table (read Mom doesn't get to eat dinner). Plus dinner was much later this year than it has been in the past. One of the downfalls of being the oldest cousin with a 7 year age gap, nobody cares that my 1 year old turns into the worlds biggest grump at around 6pm. Where as the other families in my family have older kids and everyone sleeps in on Christmas, I was up at the crack of 7am feeding and entertaining my child. By the time we left for home at 9pm, Wy was on the verge of a full on meltdown. And so was mommy.
I love Christmas, the snow, the gifts, the time with family. I could do without the massive schedule upset though! Here's hoping next year is a little easier.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
10 Things this Momma is Thankful For
Yeah I know this is late, I can't help it. Honestly October and November were 2 of the busiest months of my life. Between 3 birthday parties (one of which was Wy's), a visit from the Florida grandparents, being sick (thanks pink eye), my office moving and Thanksgiving it felt like a complete whirlwind. But I still think it's important to take the time to be thankful! Plus Christine Coppas Thanksgiving blog (http://www.parenting.com/new/blogs/mamas-boy) made me feel guilty I hadn't taken the time to write one of my own, despite the fact that she gets paid for hers. :)
So here's my list!
1) Wyatt not being a new born this year! Last year was crazy, I was exhausted and still trying to figure out how to be a mom, let alone a mom on her own. I was thankful to have a fun independent little 1 year old this year! He was able to play and laugh and eat turkey, it was awesome.
2) FAMILY! I love my family, I love that they were so excited to spent time with me and Wy and spent the whole day gushing over him. We missed those who couldn't be with us and now I can't wait for Christmas when the crowd will hopefully be huge.
3) My job. I spend the majority of my day talking to people who are out of work or who are pretty unhappy with the jobs they have. I talk to people who are in bad situations because they made bad choices in the past. I'm so thankful I went to college and was able to find a job that lets me pay my bills, have an apartment of my own and even occasionally splurge a little on something fun.
4) Friends. I would be so lost without my friends who have become my family. Despite how busy and crazy the last couple months have been part of it was due to celebrating the birth of 4 of my favorite kids on the planet! My friends are my family and their kids are too.
5) New opportunities. Whether they be new friendships, new romances, new heartbreaks, I love experiencing new things and the doors they open.
6) Having someone to motivate me!! I've been talking a lot about how I need to work out and how I want to lose the last 20 baby weight pounds...but it's a lot of talk. I know that I have zero motivation to actually get anything done, I hate working out! I also hate dieting so we all know that's now gonna happen. Thankfully a girl at work wants to help! She is a member of Bally's and used to be a personal trainer. So after reminding me they have child care facilities she was able to talk me into looking into getting a membership and promised to work out with me and keep me motivated. If nothing else knowing she is expecting me to show up somewhere is going to get my ass out of bed, out of the apartment and into some sweats.
7) A good book. I finally finished one for the first time in a long time! That is one thing I miss from pre-mommy days, the possibility of grabbing a book and heading out the door with nothing in mind but finding the ideal spot to read for a few hours.
8) My awesome cell phone - not only does it entertain me but Wy loves it.
9) Hugging. My son gives the best hugs lately. He's all boy, but clearly loves his mommy! My favorite is when he stops playing just to come get some cuddles.
10) Mostly I'm thankful for all the great experiences I have had during my first year as a mom. It's been amazing and I really can't believe how fast it went.
So here's my list!
1) Wyatt not being a new born this year! Last year was crazy, I was exhausted and still trying to figure out how to be a mom, let alone a mom on her own. I was thankful to have a fun independent little 1 year old this year! He was able to play and laugh and eat turkey, it was awesome.
2) FAMILY! I love my family, I love that they were so excited to spent time with me and Wy and spent the whole day gushing over him. We missed those who couldn't be with us and now I can't wait for Christmas when the crowd will hopefully be huge.
3) My job. I spend the majority of my day talking to people who are out of work or who are pretty unhappy with the jobs they have. I talk to people who are in bad situations because they made bad choices in the past. I'm so thankful I went to college and was able to find a job that lets me pay my bills, have an apartment of my own and even occasionally splurge a little on something fun.
4) Friends. I would be so lost without my friends who have become my family. Despite how busy and crazy the last couple months have been part of it was due to celebrating the birth of 4 of my favorite kids on the planet! My friends are my family and their kids are too.
5) New opportunities. Whether they be new friendships, new romances, new heartbreaks, I love experiencing new things and the doors they open.
6) Having someone to motivate me!! I've been talking a lot about how I need to work out and how I want to lose the last 20 baby weight pounds...but it's a lot of talk. I know that I have zero motivation to actually get anything done, I hate working out! I also hate dieting so we all know that's now gonna happen. Thankfully a girl at work wants to help! She is a member of Bally's and used to be a personal trainer. So after reminding me they have child care facilities she was able to talk me into looking into getting a membership and promised to work out with me and keep me motivated. If nothing else knowing she is expecting me to show up somewhere is going to get my ass out of bed, out of the apartment and into some sweats.
7) A good book. I finally finished one for the first time in a long time! That is one thing I miss from pre-mommy days, the possibility of grabbing a book and heading out the door with nothing in mind but finding the ideal spot to read for a few hours.
8) My awesome cell phone - not only does it entertain me but Wy loves it.
9) Hugging. My son gives the best hugs lately. He's all boy, but clearly loves his mommy! My favorite is when he stops playing just to come get some cuddles.
10) Mostly I'm thankful for all the great experiences I have had during my first year as a mom. It's been amazing and I really can't believe how fast it went.