For me, this is what the holidays are about...

Don't Shoot the Messenger

You're not punishing me.

You're punishing yourself.

And worse you are punishing a little boy who has no idea why.

Single Mom Raising a Single Father Raising a Daughter

One of my favorite shows on TV right now is Castle on ABC. It's such a fun and funny cop drama. But the thing that I really love to watch are the single parent relationships. The main character Richard Castle was raised by a single mom and he is a single dad raising a teenage daughter. What is beautiful about these relationships is the fact that neither of these children feel they are missing something in their lives because a parent wasn't around. You can tell that the character of Castle was created to love his family. There is never an episode where his daughter and mother aren't right in the middle of things. Clearly that single mom raised an amazing son who in turn is able to raise an amazing daughter. I love watching the way Castle always turns to his mom for advise and comfort. To me it shows how a child is going to know in the long run who was there for them.

It gives me hope (yes these fake people give me hope for my real problems) that Wyatt and I can be that close even when he's an adult and I'm a grandmother. It helps me remember that my son will know who stayed up with him at night while he was sick and put his drawings up on the refrigerator.

The other day a friend of mine told me to remember that parenting is a zero sum relationship. Given the fact that I'm not very good with math I was glad he elaborated. He said that even if the other parent gives 1%, 50% or 99% to parenting, I will always give 100% and that is what matters.

I don't wish for my son the things I am going through now as a single parent. I don't think any parent wants that for their kids, it's one of the hardest things in the world to do (trust me it's true, any time I am around another person who helps me out with Wyatt I am amazed at how easy it is to be a mom when there is a partner to help me). But if he ever does end up as a single parent, I want to be confident that I set a good example for him. Hell I want to be sure I set a good example for him even if he does have a partner. I want to know I equipped him with all the skills he needs; compassion, accountability, responsibility and a whole bunch of others; to be able to step up and do what's right no matter what. None of this pussy-footing around, taking 2 years to decide he wants to be a parent bull shit. I want to know that my son would move mountains to get to his kid if that's what it takes.

And I'm happy that even television can prove to me it's possible. I have the power to help mold and direct Wyatt towards being a wonderful man. I pray that for him every day. That he would be an amazing man who doesn't just survive the world but changes it.

Circumcision of the Heart

Today during a routine Saturday phone call, Wyatt's father told him he was spending the weekend up in the mountains like he did 2 years ago. He's going to think about his life and take some time to get things in order.

While I completely understand that and to be completely honest am seriously jealous he has the luxury, that kind of thing is one of the reasons I cannot stand him sometimes.

He is spending a weekend to himself in the mountains, I am home with a sick toddler. I spent my morning calming a very freaked out boy who woke up and was so congested he was having trouble getting a good deep breath. Then I spent an hour waiting at a clinic to get my sick child checked out only to be told 1) if it's croup they don't treat it but will charge me for the exam anyway and 2) that they don't take Medicare so I would be paying out of pocket. I then walked out of the clinic, went home, gave my son medication to help bring his fever down and attempted to get him to relax on the couch.

When I brought up to Wyatt's father that if he is planning to put Wy on his health insurance to please do it now (since he previously said he was going to) so I can actually get my kid seen by a doctor on the weekends if I need to. His response was well I probably won't have health insurance much longer so there's no point. A tiny part of me wanted to smash his face in.

It would appear that the tiny little bit of parenting he actually does (which in reality is next to nothing) suits him just fine. He can feel good about himself knowing he has "done what he can". He really actually said those words to me.

I am at that point where every word that comes out of his mouth makes me furious. I really am at my whits end, I don't have any idea what to do anymore, because I know I need to find a way to exist in the same universe as this man without wanting to punch him all the time. But it's hard. Because he's not a parent. He does no parenting. He calls and talks non-sense to Wyatt 3 times a week. Most of those days Wyatt wants to talk to him for about 3 minutes before he gets bored and tries to walk off. I have to actually stop him, sit him down and make him hold the phone.

In my church small group we are reading a book called Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick, and this week I was reading ahead a little bit. I came across a couple statements that really struck me as applying to my situation with Wyatt's father. And I can't say they made me overly excited. They also didn't bring much clarity as to what I am supposed to do next but I think the first step is just knowing what to expect in some ways. Here's what I found.

"When you ask God to do the impossible, he usually instructs you to do something uncomfortable. And inconvenient."

"And before God can do an impossible work in our world, you need to let him do a deep work in your heart."

"So the apostle Paul talks about a 'circumcision of the heart,' one that isn't merely 'outward and physical'. This circumcision involves God cutting away everything in out lives that doesn't bring glory to him."

All I could think about while I was reading this is that if I want to move on to the life I want to live I have some cleaning up to do first. And the biggest mess at the moment is the hurt, resentment and near hate that I feels towards Wyatt's dad at the moment. He absolutely isn't doing everything he could do to be a good parent to this amazing little boy. That is just a fact. When it comes to being a parent I do all the heavy lifting and it shows. But I need to work harder at forgiving and continuing to do what is best for my son and not myself.

I have a feeling this process is going to make me cry more than I already do.

Super Spectacular Saturday

I have been back at work for 2 weeks now. Last weekend was crazy with previous engagements so I didn't have much time to really just hang out and enjoy time with my boy. This weekend I made it a priority. I actually passed on 2 invites to do really fun things because I knew I wanted and needed this time with him.

And it was everything I thought it could be.

Saturday morning I was woken up by a little boy who had climbed into bed with me sometime during the night. We were slow and lazy about getting out of bed and turned on Nick Jr for a little while. Once Wy was asking to eat I decided we were going out for breakfast. Denny's was closed (lame and annoying since it's so close) so we hit IHOP instead. If you have ever been to IHOP on a Saturday morning you know it's a complete madhouse with a guaranteed wait time. Not if you are a party made up of one adult and one toddler! They stuck us at one of those tiny half tables, but we got seated about 5 seconds after walking in the door so it was worth it.

Breakfast out with my dad is one of my favorite memories from growing up. We did it pretty consistently while I was in high school and I wish we had made it a tradition earlier in my life. For some reason sitting with your parent one on one while you eat pancakes has a way of making you feel very special. Maybe it's that they have nothing else to do but listen to you.

Wyatt and I had a great time at breakfast. We colored, stacked creamer cups, blew bubbles in our juice and read the newspaper. We chatted about football and he said hello to nearly everyone who walked by.

Once we were home Wy wanted to watch football (obviously) so we climbed into my bed and turned on the Illini v. Northwestern game. We got through about half of the 1st quarter before passing out. And I do mean both of us. A couple hours later we got up and munched on leftovers for lunch. Since it was an all Mommy/Wyatt day I made the executive decision to rent a movie OnDemand. Wyatt in his wisdom and choosing the picture he liked best decided on Gnomeo & Juliet. Thankfully it was much more entertaining that I thought it would be. Wyatt loved it though and it was so fun to watch him bounce around to the music and laugh at the silly parts.

After the movie we went for a walk through the neighborhood. We don't live in the best neighborhood, but there are sidewalks and some pretty trees so it worked for us. Wyatt pointed to every car in the parking lot and yelled "Car!"

We also discovered there are fish in the retention pond down the street! Wyatt loves to throw things into water so we went to the edge of the pond and started to throw in some pine needles and leaves. All the sudden we see a ton of little fish rushing up to the surface expecting food. Wyatt went crazy when I pointed them out, "Fish! Fish!!" We saw one huge fish lurking around under the little fish and a little turtle too. Further along in the walk a squirrel run across the sidewalk in front of us and Wyatt went running after it. I went running after him yelling "Don't you touch that squirrel! I don't want to have to take you to the ER because you caught the plague!"

There was a lot of running and bouncing on our walk, it was the perfect kind of day for it. I also taught Wy to run through crunchy leaves on the ground in the couple little places a few of them had piled up. Fall is going to be awesome once more leaves start coming down. After discovering how much fun running through them was Wy kept saying "Momma, more leaves!" Yes, he talks in sentences sometimes now. Can you believe it?

When we got back to our building we walked right into a scene from a Hitchcock movie; there were about 10 geese just standing around the building. Not really doing anything. Just standing looking creepy. And pooping a lot, there is an insane amount of goose poop on my sidewalk now, it's disgusting. Having never seen The Birds Wyatt just thought they were funny, called them ducks and tried to chase them. A tiny part of me was worried he was going to get pecked to death like in the movie.

We spent the rest of the day watching Gnomeo & Juliet again, playing with a balloon, and running laps in the living room. It was hands down one of my favorite days ever with him.

Why I Heart Nick Jr.

I LOVE Nick Jr.

As much as I would like to take credit for all the cute and genius things my son does these days I unfortunately can't. Nick Jr. has become a huge teaching tool in our house. I have noticed that Wyatt is a very independent learner. A very independent kid in general. We do a lot of reading, coloring, and playing in our house; but it feels sometimes like he doesn't always want me to teach him things. I have tried to teach him animal sounds and letter sounds to no avail. He just won't always copy me.

What I have noticed though is he soaks up the same material like a sponge when he watches it on TV. I had no idea he knew what a pig said until one day he runs up to me, snorts, then runs to the TV and points at a pig. He will sing along with songs on his favorite shows but will wave me away when I try to get him to sing with me. He learned to dribble, pass and shoot a basketball from an episode of Bubble Guppies.

It's not that he watches an excessive amount of TV though! I remember when he was learning to walk he didn't want me to hold his hands and help him walk, he wanted to walk along the furniture and figure it out himself. It seems like TV is his way of self teaching. I'm hoping this transitions to him being a big reader, wanting to learn everything he can from his books.

What I love about Nick Jr. in particular is that there is educational value to pretty much everything that's on it. Plus it's 24/7 so no matter what time of the day or night I need to turn it on there is something good on. Plus between all the shows are songs and games and teaching tools. Wyatt will make letter sounds with Moose and Zee even though he won't make them with me.

The best part though is that Wyatt always shares what he has learned later on. He came to show me he learned what a pig says, he runs up to say and mime shooting a ball when he sees one, I hear him yell "Arrrrr!" when he sees a pirate! We just had a little dance party at the end of an episode of Jack's Big Music Show.

Diaper Hat