Chocolate

Today I bought a chocolate caramel bar from a kid and his dad outside of the Dominicks. They were set up at a card table outside despite the fact that sitting out there longer than an hour would have turned the decently warm day into something frigid. The boy was selling candy as a fundraiser for his boyscout pack (is that what the call boyscout groups?) So using the dollar bill I had in my coat pocket I bought a chocolate bar from the boy while discussing the fact that we both favored the ones with caramel inside.

This brief encounter probably would never had made me think twice in the past. But today it nearly made me cry as I packed Wyatt and my purchases into the car. I was lucky to have grown up with a dad who wanted to be involved in my life, who came to my theatre shows, even though I know he hates Shakespeare he came anyway, he used to take me out to breakfast and then to hang out at the book store cause we are both nerdy like that. So it breaks my heart to know my kid doesn't have that. And Wyatt is missing out on having a dad because of me, because of decisions I made and a situation that I created for myself.
Now I know it's not all my fault. I know his father made the decision to live his life and not get to know Wy, no matter how selfish that is. But I did make the decision to keep Wyatt, to not find a different kind of family for him where he could have 2 parents. I made the decision to not try to force his father to be involved like some women might have. I am the one who got pregnant in the first place, Wyatt didn't ask to be brought into the world. He deserves all the love in the world from as many people as possible.

I suppose all I can do is to try to make the best decisions possible and to love Wyatt no matter what. He does have an uncle and grandfather who are crazy about him and probably would sit in the cold in front of a grocery store to sell candy if Wy asked them to. He has a godfather and god-cousin/brother/whatever you decide to call Riley, who think he's great and would happily help him out. There are lots of guys in his life that will be able to take the place of the father who isn't interested in finding out how wonderful he is. Just like I have had to find other people to fill some roles in my life from time to time, Wyatt will find that too.
That doesn't keep me from feeling guilty sometimes though. And it won't ever keep me from feeling sad that Wyatt will probably always wonder why he wasn't good enough for his dad to be around and love him.
And I don't think I will be able to give him a good answer. Because really, how could you not love this little goober?