Good Parent, Bad Child

I'm beginning to learn that a part of growing up is negotiating the space between being a "good child" and a "bad child", by which I mean that slim line between doing what is going to be best for yourself and what will make your parents happy. Since becoming a parent though I have found even shakier territory in trying to be a good parent by doing things that will cause your own parents to possibly consider you a bad child.

At this point in my life, there is nothing more important to me than being a good mom to Wyatt. If I fail at everything else in my life, I at least want to be able to say I have been the best parent I was able to be for him. Unfortunately this often means making some hard decisions.

My mother and I have never had the best relationship. Even when I was young I remember not wanting to go to her to talk about things I was having trouble with. She always seemed very unapproachable. And I distinctly remember times when I was accused of being "too much like your dad!" Things got marginally better when I went to college because I was out of the house and suddenly had the option to just not answer the phone if I didn't feel like talking to her. I was finding other people I felt like I could talk to and get advice from.

So when I found out I was pregnant in the middle of attempting to heal and salvage a tiny part of a relationship with my mother, I suddenly had some new things to think about. This only escalated as my pregnancy went on and became more real. I began to have concerns about some things that had happened and the kinds of people I wanted around my child. For one thing, I have never liked my mom's husband. He is NOT the kind of person I want around my child. But as my want for distance from my mom grew so did my guilt. This isn't how it's supposed to work right? You are supposed to be excited to have your mom around your kid right?

I also began to realize it was more than just my own issues with my mother that made me want to keep her away, it was the fact that I totally disagree with about 90% of her parenting advice and strategies. She has at times expressed ideas on parenting that I so vehemently disagree with that I was speechless. Do I really want to leave my child alone with someone like that? Someone who is going to try to impart "wisdom" and advice upon him that I disagree with, that I wouldn't teach him? And by wanting my child around positive people who are going to help reinforce my values to Wyatt, am I now a bad child?

My dad once told me something though that helped a little. He said to me "Now that you are a parent, it doesn't matter that you are someones child. Your focus now is to raise a happy healthy son. And when he eventually has kids, it won't matter that he is your kid, cause he'll be a parent"

I can appreciate that my parents went on the same journey with me that I am going on with Wyatt. But that doesn't mean I owe them anything now because of it. Their job as my parents is over, I am grown and have values and priorities, many of which they taught me. But now I have to jump in fully to the job of being someones parent. Now it's my job to pass on the values and traditions. And it's also my job to live what I speak, to set a good example with my actions and not just my words. It's my job to protect Wyatt from what I feel might be bad influences, so that when he is grown and moved out he can judge for himself what may or may not be a bad influence. At that point I will just have to trust that I raised a smart boy.

More than anything, I can't let guilt cause me to doubt myself. I can't let other people convince me that my instincts as a parent are wrong. I have no doubt I will make mistakes. Probably a lot of them given my track record of mistakes thus far. Something I say with a smile, knowing my mistakes helped me learn and without them I might not be where I am right now. I have to be confident in my convictions. Because it's not just for my well being anymore. It's for his too.

So I might be considered a "bad kid" sometimes for the choices I make, but I would rather be called a bad kid than a bad parent. And more than anything, I'm done being someones child, I'm someones parent now.