Daycare

It's an unfortunate part of being a working mom, single or not; dropping off your child at daycare every work morning. This has been a hard thing for me over the last 6 weeks. It's beginning to feel like someone else is raising my son! I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have such a great sitter and only work 4 days a week, but it's becoming really difficult to drop Wyatt off in the morning. Honestly he spends more waking hours with Anne than with me at this point.

This morning for the first time since I went back to work I cried as I pulled away from Anne's house. And it wasn't because I was worried for him or uncomfortable leaving him where I do, it was out of sheer frustration and jealousy. I am so jealous that Anne is getting to spend so much time with Wyatt, that they are creating a relationship. I'm thrilled this sitter I found in such a random way (a haphazard look at the front page of the classifieds one Sunday morning) cares for my son so much. It makes me know he will be safe and well taken care of each day. But at the same time everything in me is screaming in protest because I should be the one spending all this time with him! I should be strengthening my bond with my son and soaking up every second that he still wants to be with me (can you tell I'm already thinking ahead to the teen years?).

So how do I deal with these fairly irrational issues of jealousy? It's not like I'm worried our sitter is going to disappear with Wy one day, but I am starting to have a really hard time leaving him with someone else all day. Is it selfish on my part to want to monopolize my son's time? Shouldn't I be happy he is out and interacting with other people and will be able to grow into a well socialized kid who isn't afraid to meet new people like I was? Is my fear that one day he won't be excited to see me unfounded?

The Baby Bug

So I will start this post by saying I already know this must sound totally crazy and I have ZERO intention of acting on these feelings I am having right now. Ok. Glad we cleared that up. Moving on!

It seems like everyone I know is having babies right now! It is insane the number of people I know who are pregnant or just recently had a baby. In fact I know 2 who had them within the last week! I have mentioned before how much I always wanted children, how since I was about 5 years old I knew I wanted to be a mom. Seriously, I have been thinking about it that long. Who knew it would be 22 years before it happened. I have also always known that I wanted more than one child, I always hoped to have 3 actually. And just a side note, as long as I have been thinking about being a mom one day, I have known my first was going to be a boy. :)

And along came Wyatt. He really is the most amazing and wonderful little boy and I am so thankful for him every day. I cannot leave work fast enough to get home to him and spend those few moments with him before he drifts off to sleep for the night. I truly think he is everything I could ever ask for in a child and am anxious to see what kind of a person he will grow up to be.

But those of us who have always wanted kids know the feeling of the baby bug. Before you have kids it's a deep longing for the experience of pregnancy and childbirth and to have someone to care for and love in ways you can only imagine. I'm finding it works a little differently once you have had a child. Now the baby bug is not only a longing for the experience and the love you can only feel when you look at your newborn for the first time, but it's a missing and mourning because you are forever separate from that child now. For me at least, despite how awful my pregnancy was at times, I really miss it! I want to cuddle a tiny little baby again and feel the elation that comes with not being able to tear your eyes away from the amazing thing you made from nothing. I want to complain about my baby kicking me in the ribs all day and night again. I want to lay and watch my belly roll after I've laughed particularly hard at something.

Pregnancy and childbirth are such amazing things. And they are so worth all the throwing up and crazy cravings and mood swings. Being a mom has given me a mental and emotional peace I have been looking for for a lot of years. There has been nothing better than listening to Wyatt breathing through the monitor while I drift to sleep and seeing his smile when I get to the sitter's after a long work day. I honestly cannot wait for the day I get to take another pregnancy test and see those 2 pink lines. I don't want Wyatt to be my only child; I want him to have siblings obviously, but it's really a selfish thing, because I want to experience becoming a mom again.

It needs to be stated again, I have no intention of acting on these feelings and rushing the process. Wyatt will get a little brother or sister when the time is right, when I've found him someone who will love him and happily be his dad. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to look forward to the next one in the mean time. I know there is another little baby out in the universe for me, I just have to be patient and wait for the right time for them to show up.

And until then, I will cuddle and love on all the other babies in my life, including and most of all, my own.

Good Parent, Bad Child

I'm beginning to learn that a part of growing up is negotiating the space between being a "good child" and a "bad child", by which I mean that slim line between doing what is going to be best for yourself and what will make your parents happy. Since becoming a parent though I have found even shakier territory in trying to be a good parent by doing things that will cause your own parents to possibly consider you a bad child.

At this point in my life, there is nothing more important to me than being a good mom to Wyatt. If I fail at everything else in my life, I at least want to be able to say I have been the best parent I was able to be for him. Unfortunately this often means making some hard decisions.

My mother and I have never had the best relationship. Even when I was young I remember not wanting to go to her to talk about things I was having trouble with. She always seemed very unapproachable. And I distinctly remember times when I was accused of being "too much like your dad!" Things got marginally better when I went to college because I was out of the house and suddenly had the option to just not answer the phone if I didn't feel like talking to her. I was finding other people I felt like I could talk to and get advice from.

So when I found out I was pregnant in the middle of attempting to heal and salvage a tiny part of a relationship with my mother, I suddenly had some new things to think about. This only escalated as my pregnancy went on and became more real. I began to have concerns about some things that had happened and the kinds of people I wanted around my child. For one thing, I have never liked my mom's husband. He is NOT the kind of person I want around my child. But as my want for distance from my mom grew so did my guilt. This isn't how it's supposed to work right? You are supposed to be excited to have your mom around your kid right?

I also began to realize it was more than just my own issues with my mother that made me want to keep her away, it was the fact that I totally disagree with about 90% of her parenting advice and strategies. She has at times expressed ideas on parenting that I so vehemently disagree with that I was speechless. Do I really want to leave my child alone with someone like that? Someone who is going to try to impart "wisdom" and advice upon him that I disagree with, that I wouldn't teach him? And by wanting my child around positive people who are going to help reinforce my values to Wyatt, am I now a bad child?

My dad once told me something though that helped a little. He said to me "Now that you are a parent, it doesn't matter that you are someones child. Your focus now is to raise a happy healthy son. And when he eventually has kids, it won't matter that he is your kid, cause he'll be a parent"

I can appreciate that my parents went on the same journey with me that I am going on with Wyatt. But that doesn't mean I owe them anything now because of it. Their job as my parents is over, I am grown and have values and priorities, many of which they taught me. But now I have to jump in fully to the job of being someones parent. Now it's my job to pass on the values and traditions. And it's also my job to live what I speak, to set a good example with my actions and not just my words. It's my job to protect Wyatt from what I feel might be bad influences, so that when he is grown and moved out he can judge for himself what may or may not be a bad influence. At that point I will just have to trust that I raised a smart boy.

More than anything, I can't let guilt cause me to doubt myself. I can't let other people convince me that my instincts as a parent are wrong. I have no doubt I will make mistakes. Probably a lot of them given my track record of mistakes thus far. Something I say with a smile, knowing my mistakes helped me learn and without them I might not be where I am right now. I have to be confident in my convictions. Because it's not just for my well being anymore. It's for his too.

So I might be considered a "bad kid" sometimes for the choices I make, but I would rather be called a bad kid than a bad parent. And more than anything, I'm done being someones child, I'm someones parent now.

Bath Time

God I just can't get over how quick Wyatt is changing. Even day to day sometimes he seems to be changing.

Today for instance, I finally realized what was making bath time such a headache. Wyatt has hated baths since day one. I don't know if he screamed his head off when the nurses bathed him at the hospital since they took him out of the room to do it, but he made it quite clear once I got him home that he did not like to take baths. Every time I had to do it I left the experience with a migraine. then suddenly one day, he didn't cry! He kind of laughed while I sang him songs and washed him up! It was amazing! And short lived. He went back to the hatred of baths pretty quick. Well finally today I noticed that he had both his arms flung out like he was trying to get his balance back while he was reclining in the baby tub we use. This tub is pretty awesome (thanks Shara!), it has a little hammock thing for when he was super tiny, and end that is reclined and an end that helps him sit up. For some reason I hadn't thought till today to maybe try putting him in the end that helps him sit. In every other part of life I have noticed that he prefers to be upright, that he doesn't really like the view from flat on his back. But it didn't even dawn on me that he might prefer the same thing in the tub! As soon as I turned him around and he could see better and play better he was just fine. Granted he was not excited to be there, but he smiled a little and batted around his little floaty toys and best of all STOPPED CRYING!

Just that simple little change made him much happier and reinforced what a big boy he is becoming. Yesterday was his 5 month b-day. I can't believe I have had him for 5 months. That is crazy. Because it doesn't feel like it has been that long. I swear time speeds up as soon as you have kids. Yes, sometimes days at work seem to stretch on a little longer than makes me happy, but it's because I can't wait to get home to him. Most days though fly by and I'm almost shocked when he starts to yawn and rub his eyes, can it really be bedtime already?

He also is trying to get his hands on absolutely everything. Not too surprising, but still a little shocking when I realize he's holding his bottle just fine on his own for a minute or two. If he felt like it, I'm pretty sure he could feed himself right now. But I like to think that he still wants me to do it. :) Eh, it lets me feel needed for a little longer!

Being a mom is a pretty freaking awesome job.

After his very first bath, in the tub around 1 month, in the tub at 3 months

Chocolate

Today I bought a chocolate caramel bar from a kid and his dad outside of the Dominicks. They were set up at a card table outside despite the fact that sitting out there longer than an hour would have turned the decently warm day into something frigid. The boy was selling candy as a fundraiser for his boyscout pack (is that what the call boyscout groups?) So using the dollar bill I had in my coat pocket I bought a chocolate bar from the boy while discussing the fact that we both favored the ones with caramel inside.

This brief encounter probably would never had made me think twice in the past. But today it nearly made me cry as I packed Wyatt and my purchases into the car. I was lucky to have grown up with a dad who wanted to be involved in my life, who came to my theatre shows, even though I know he hates Shakespeare he came anyway, he used to take me out to breakfast and then to hang out at the book store cause we are both nerdy like that. So it breaks my heart to know my kid doesn't have that. And Wyatt is missing out on having a dad because of me, because of decisions I made and a situation that I created for myself.
Now I know it's not all my fault. I know his father made the decision to live his life and not get to know Wy, no matter how selfish that is. But I did make the decision to keep Wyatt, to not find a different kind of family for him where he could have 2 parents. I made the decision to not try to force his father to be involved like some women might have. I am the one who got pregnant in the first place, Wyatt didn't ask to be brought into the world. He deserves all the love in the world from as many people as possible.

I suppose all I can do is to try to make the best decisions possible and to love Wyatt no matter what. He does have an uncle and grandfather who are crazy about him and probably would sit in the cold in front of a grocery store to sell candy if Wy asked them to. He has a godfather and god-cousin/brother/whatever you decide to call Riley, who think he's great and would happily help him out. There are lots of guys in his life that will be able to take the place of the father who isn't interested in finding out how wonderful he is. Just like I have had to find other people to fill some roles in my life from time to time, Wyatt will find that too.
That doesn't keep me from feeling guilty sometimes though. And it won't ever keep me from feeling sad that Wyatt will probably always wonder why he wasn't good enough for his dad to be around and love him.
And I don't think I will be able to give him a good answer. Because really, how could you not love this little goober?

Oddities

I have to say that there has not been a single day since I became a mother that I have not noticed how strange and bizarre it is to be a parent. Each day Wyatt grows into himself a little bit more and becomes separate from me in increasingly dramatic ways.

Right now I can barely believe that there was a time when I carried him inside me and had him with me every second of every day. For 10 months we were never apart. Then there was a sudden and traumatic separation of two people that can't be equaled in any respect. I love watching my baby grow and become his own person. It's amazing to watch his little personality develop. He's starting to recognize his name and when I call him from across the room he looks up at me and smiles.

But he has this whole life of his own that already I am no part of! He goes to daycare and that is his thing...work is my thing, not as much fun I'm sure, but we each have a place we go that the other can't. Already he is his own person. When he was first born he was still kind of a part of me, he was still with me pretty much 24/7 and still totally dependent entirely on me for everything, there was no other person in the world who could satisfy all of his needs. He slept with me, ate with me, came everywhere (excluding the bathroom) with me, often wrapped snugly against my chest. But now, all those needs he has can be met by other people as well. And there are times that he prefers to not be in my lap while I do things. He would rather play in his jumparoo or lay on the floor playing with a toy while watching the latest episode of Dora the Explorer.

At times I can hardly even remember being pregnant, it's such a distant time now. And I wonder during these times who this alien child is that I am taking care of, how did he even get here? Thankfully all I have to do to remember is lift him into my arms or hear his throaty little laugh or see his eyes light up and his smile appear when I say his name, the name I chose for him after much thought and care and listening deep into myself to get a glimpse of his personality that was already starting to blossom even before he was born.

Wyatt Christopher.

I made you.

You are part of me, made up of the same stuff I am.

And you are totally your own person.

The Mom Belly

I am having some pretty serious body image issues lately.

Obviously from the beginning I have known getting pregnant was going to change my body in some radical ways. But that doesn't make it any less shocking when it finally happens. Being pregnant was very weird for me in lots of ways...the endless runny nose, the morning sickness, the super power smelling ability, the constant exhaustion...but the strangest of all was how my body felt. There were days that I felt like I should see my pre-pregnancy body in the mirror, that I could swear I felt my normal body under all the extra weight of the baby. I know it makes me sound like a total looney, but it happened a lot. I have always been a pretty slender person. Curvy, but slender. And I was down to about my goal weight when I found out I was pregnant. In fact I had just bought a whole bunch of new clothes, excited about not being able to fit into a lot of my stuf anymore...excited that it was too big, that is.

So now that Wyatt is here and a lot of my baby weight is gone, I figured I would be ok with slow loss of the rest of it and eventually fitting back into the clothes I was so excited about before him. It's been 4 months now and I will readily admit I have not been doing anything to help me lose the weight. I have never been good at making myself work out or go run every day. And being a single mom means I don't really have the luxery of leaving the house and jogging when I feel like it. So part of the issues I have been having are really my fault.

But beyond just the excess weight there are a lot of other things going on with my body that I just don't like. I feel gross all the time. And now that my hormones are starting to regulate my hair is falling out in clumps just like my friends warned me it would. More than anything I feel like nothing fits me anymore! My shape has changed in subtle little ways that are driving me crazy! I'm hoping some of that will be eleviated by me spending some quality time in the gym here at work.

Why is it that people stop talking about what is happening to me and my body once the baby is born? All the pregnancy books leave out what happens to mom once labor and delivery are over. Everything is totally focused on the child. Which to some extent is how it should be. But I really could have used some guidence and warning about what was going to happen to me! What was "normal" after delivery. I felt, and still do sometimes, stranded, like what I'm going through isn't as important as all the changes happening to my son. I'm glad to know how he should and is growing and developing but how should I be progressing? What are some tips for changing my diet from one where I was starving all the time and constently snacking to a more normal diet that is healthy for both me and Wy? Why don't mom's get the same kind of support a newborn does? First time mom's are to some extent no different than the baby, we don't have any clue what is going on!! Thank god for friends who aren't squeemish or prude talking about all the weird gross things that happen after the weird gross things from pregnancy.

I need to find some kind of motivation for getting to where I used to be. Because I felt good in January 2009! I was comfortable in my own skin and happy when I looked in the mirror. And right now I don't feel either of those things, but that doesn't seem to be enough to get my fat ass moving!