It has been a rough day today. Wyatt has been crabby off and on...which is almost harder for me I think. He has been a happy wonderful baby one second and then screaming his head off the next then all the sudden back to being happy. All the up and down has been wearing on me. I can switch gears pretty fast, but not that fast!
I just wish it was easier to know what he needed and how to keep him amused. He's little enough to not really be interested in toys but he wants to play and I can only sing Twinkle Twinkle so many times before I want to rip my hair out. It doesn't help that he is refusing to sleep more than about 20 min at a time today. I know he is so tired, but he just won't sleep very long!!!!
I also am discovering more and more that parenting is not meant to be a job done by just one person. Parenting is designed to be done in pairs at least, if not by a village. I am super lucky to be living rent free with my dad right now and have him around to help me a little bit, but mostly I have been doing nothing but taking care of Wyatt. I love my kid to the ends of the earth, but some help would be nice. Someone to take care of a middle of the night diaper change would be amazing. Someone to offer to give him a bath or feed him or SOMETHING would be so great. I have plenty of friends who have offered to watch Wy, but I always feel so guilty and I don't want to impose...yada yada yada all that normal (according to Jami anyway) single mom feelings.
What I want is to have someone who is a partner, someone who wants to take care of me once in a while. Shit just a date I don't plan would be great. A date at all would be great. My son is totally the love of my life, but he can't replace the kind of love I would get from a boyfriend/husband. It sucks to be alone.
But the thought of having to deal with all the rejection and general bullshit that comes with dating with a kid...ugh I don't even want to think about it. Seeing what my step-sister Bethany has gone through with jack ass guys and hearing stories from other single mom's. Good god guys are stupid! I'm 28, I'm looking to date guys my age or older, and I am terrified of how they are going to react to the thought of being a built in dad. I swear I will kill someone if I ever hear "I love you but I don't like your kid".
And none of this gets me any closer to the things I want, specifically a stable family and siblings and a dad for Wyatt. So I just keep moving, keep doing the best I can to be a good mom.
3 comments:
i love you, mama! i am ALWAYS here to watch wy so you can get a break (you are never imposing, promise!) XOXOXO
Dear Sara...you are the best mom Wyatt could ever have. One of the best things you can do for you is to learn humility now, while he is little, and take people up on their offers to help you. You and Wyatt will thank you later. And your friends are blessed by getting to spend time with a little friend! You can do this and God does have big plans for you. Jer. 29.11. Love you.
From what I've heard and seen in your blogs you are doing everything right for Wyatt so take your friends up on wanting to watch Wyatt. Don't feel guilty about it - take the help. In Wyatt's eyes you are Wonder Woman but even Wonder Woman remembered sometimes that she needed help for her friends.
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